Telekinesis

I can't stop listening to this band.

Telekinesis would be cool. Out of the various superhuman abilities one could have i think that would be one of the top ones. I don't know why, but there's something about moving stuff with the mind that appeals to me. Or flying would be my other preference. I remember when I was younger, whenever I went outside I would always look up and watch the birds soaring about the telephone poles, and it was strange because as I watched them I felt the most terrible ache in my heart, this overpowering want to be like them. At that moment all I wanted was to be able to grow wings and fly away. To leave the earth behind and just soar above with the birds. But I couldn't, I couldn't grow wings, I couldn't fly away. And it made me incredibly sad. My heart felt so heavy upon this realization, that I could never fly. At least not like the birds do. I am only human. Sometimes this fact makes me feel very weak. I feel vulnerable thinking about it. I've never been any good at letting people in. Always a closed book. Always so afraid. I thought that I just didn't like people, but now I think it was fear that made me want to fly away so bad. I didn't want to deal with school. I always felt so awkward and was ever so fearful that everyone else around me thought I was strange and freakish. So I hardly ever talked. The strange thing is that I can recall being like this for most of my life. I've always felt alone. Well, perhaps not all the time, I've had moments with you and other herron kids where I feel a really strong personal connection. But nevertheless, the loneliness always seeps back into me. And when it does, I feel so alone no matter who I'm with even if it is with you. I don't know why I feel this way at times. But I recall all the way back to preschool feelings of dejection and aloofness. I remember really wanting to make friends with the kids in my class but they tended to ignore me, or they simply had other companions they would rather converse with over me. I think I've definitely changed. Herron has helped me so much. I feel like it's almost saved me from myself. I sometimes think about what would have happened to me if I had stayed at pike and it really scares me. I can't help but think that it would have been a very unpleasant ending.

Now I feel content for the most part. I can live with who I am most of the time. Although I'm still very flawed. I still fuck things up, really bad, from time to time. Somedays when I'm feeling conflicted, I almost feel split. I feel like half of me is quiet and composed. Meak and hiding away from the world, but still trying to put on a smiling face while keeping the world at a distance. But then I also feel there's another layer of emotion under that. It's a mix of anger and recklessness. It's this part of me that just wants to let loose and go crazy and not give a damn about the consequences. But it can't because I'm always in control. I can't let anyone see the full extent of my emotions that I just shove away into some dark forgotten corner of my brain until something happens that really upsets me or durring one of those weeks when I just get really stressed out. I know it can't be healthy. I'm trying to change. I really am. I've realized that this past year I've opened up more to you than I have anyone else in my entire life. You're the only person who I have straight out cried my heart out in front of and completely poured out my emotions to without hesitation. That's something I've never been able to do before. I still don't think I could really do it again, or at least not often or to anyone else besides you or lydia. Sara I am incredibly thankful for you. You are my anchor. You know me better than anyone. I am grateful for everything you've done for me and I'm incredibly lucky to have you as my friend. I can't even imagine where I would be now if I hadn't ever been transfered to fishback and what I would have become if I hadn't sat next to that blonde chic on the swingsets at school and asked her about warring woodland critters. Sara, I'm telling you all of this to you because I feel like sometimes it seems as if I take you for granted or I don't really care. But I do, so much. Sara, I'm sorry I'm not the most open person but I will never take our friendship for granted. Remember that I'll always love you as a sister and all I want is for you to be happy and that you never forget about Sandi.

Thank You.

Pitter-Patter

So goes the rain on the window sill. I hope it storms tonight. I love the thunder and the lightning. There's something about it that comforts me. And amazes me. Sometimes I find myself just staring out the window when I should be focusing on sleep, but rather my mind in entranced by the flashes of light that illuminate the houses as if it were day for only a second before the night takes over again and all I can see are shadows and silhouettes. I like curling up under layers of blankets with a book while outside it's violent and wild. I feel so calm under the covers. Why does something so tumultuous give me so much peace? I feel I will never fully understand myself. Maybe I am not suppose to.

My mentality is back. I'm sorry sara. I didn't mean to freak out. I'm sorry for the histrionics, i'm sorry for flipping out. I hope you don't worry to much about me. You shouldn't. I just overthink things to much sometimes. I am hoping you are happy. You seem very jubilant these days. I'm glad. I don't ever want you to feel sad. But you seem far from it. I love how whenever you see james a huge smile lights up your face and your eyes seems even brighter and bluer. It's so sweet. Just promise me that you'll enjoy every moment of it. Don't be afraid to live it up. It's a wonderful thing and you should make the best of it. Don't make mistakes like me. Please please please live life to it's fullest Sara. That's all I ask. You'll make me so proud. I don't ever want you to make the same mistakes I did.

I've been bonding with my sister over the weekend. I really want us to be close. It was funny though because she brought up our past relationship which I guess wasn't so great. She told me that I use to be incredibly mean to her. I guess I was. I was such a trickster back in the day. She use to annoy me so much. I'm still sneaky, but I love her so much now. I want to be best friends with her. I want her to feel like she can talk to me about anything, school, boys, life... I want us to hang out and do stuff together. I think I want to be to my little sister what jakob's brother is to him. I want that bond with her. I want to be her friend. I want to be there for her whenever she needs me.

I feel the need to write more. There's such much I could let loose on, but perhaps now is not the time. It's getting late and I should be getting off to bed. Goodnight Sara, sleep well my dear sister.

Turmoil in My Mind

Oh, I don't know how to start. My mind is so muddled. I feel confused. This weekend I was fine, this week however has jarbled (doubtful that's actually a real word, so please excuse my false vocab) my brain. I don't know what to think. I've set myself up on a path of self doubt and double guessing. I don't know. I don't. What the hell am I doing? What am I thinking? Will anything I do make a difference? Am I wasting my time? I hope not, i really really hope I'm not.

Sometimes I wish I could escape from myself. I just need to exit my mind and all these thoughts that consume me. I can't understand why this is happening now, just out of no where. Why so much concern? If only I had answers. But I don't. Maybe that's my problem. My doubt and uncertainty, maybe that's what's eating me alive.

I'm sorry, I know I don't, or never, make any sense when I'm like this. I can only ramble on and on. Oh Sara. I, I, I don't know. Nothing horrible and devastating has happened. I've just gotten myself caught up in some loop, some absurd train of though and I can't escape.

I talked to Lydia on the way home. It was nice. Car rides are perfect for that sort of thing, unloading your troubles, opening up. I felt better at the end. But later i found myself back in the hole. I spent over an hour up in my room painting. The problem sometimes though is that I start overthinking, I get so drawn into my mind when I paint I end up focusing intently on whatever is on my mind. It's bothersome. Maybe I just need a new week to begin.

"I Want to Draw You a Floorplan of My Head & Heart"

...Sara, I love how you always call me whenever you get lost. I wish there were a way for me to pop into your car magically whenever you needed me. Sadly I am not blessed with such an ability so I settle for offering directions, via the internet/phone connection. Even though I'm not much of a help, I'm still very touched that you would call me. I'm glad you made it back home. My life just wouldn't be the same without you Swan.

I'm here whenever you need me no matter what. I'm glad your okay. I'm sorry I'm so repetitive..."repeat, repeat, repeat, the words I know we both said..." You've got me in a real Tegan & Sara phase. Coffee and cramming sounds good to me. I though about working on my reading logs tonight, but now I don't really feel like it. Chances are I'll probably just end up watching United States of Tara instead.

Wolfy was good. The rest of the concert/art show was enjoyable. Did I tell you my parents showed up for the last few songs by Wolfy? They actually liked them too which was interesting. I'm always worried about what they think about my musical tastes. I feel I shouldn't be though, yet I can't help it.

I ended up renting the "Duchess" with Keira Knightly and going over to Kaitlynn's to watch it. It was kind of sad. She had such a horrible life. But the imagery was quite beautiful, so that was a plus. It was so nice seeing Kaitlynn again. Just chilling out at her house and lazing around on her couch was comfortable. I think we spent more time talking and catching up then we did watching the movie which was fine with me. By the way, I have some crazy pike gossip for you tomorrow. Her new dog is NOT naked!! But, while it's seeminly normal and not naked it turns out that it is still freakish as it has a sixth toe on one of it's paws. I'm pretty positive that Kaitlynn is destined for mutant freak dogs. That sounds cruel, I'm sorry. I just find it amusing.

I hope the IMA calls soon. I really want this job. I think I'll be crushed if I don't get it. It just sounds like the coolest job ever and I'm so excited about it. Plus, I could use some cash. Still, it's not all about the money. I can really see myself getting into it and enjoying the whole film making experience.

My sentences sound so simplistic. I+verb+direct objet. Repeat.

I only have a few photo's left in my SLR to take. I'm really looking forward to developing the film. I figure that either it will be really bad, or decent but the skill will be underdeveloped and immature. Or perhaps it will actually be somewhat well crafted. It will be a surprise, which is fine with me. I think I like surprises, usually. Sometimes they can leave you gasping for breath and immobilized, but more often then not they seem to be more pleasent then that. I'm hoping the film when I get it back will be the latter of the two, although I doubt a bad roll of film would really leave me in an emotional funk, haha, oh my that could be concerning.

I'm looking forward to a good discussion. Till then I bid you bon soir!
-Agent Soul-Eater

Super-Punch!

I know what you mean about colleges. but eh, it'll happen. Somehow, I just trust in serendipidity.
I was super confused for about an hour and a half today (not just because I was lost in the country). I still am, but I kind of content with it. It's an emotional confusion I haven't felt in awhile, if ever, and I'm kind of welcoming the novelty of it. That, or my brain couldn't handle it, so it just couch-potatoed it. A couple of things made me adore those moments of biting-lip unsurety:(sp?)

-Seeing this glorious sunset, with the tiny cityscape in the background. I really like driving when the sun is setting, even when you're driving into it and completely blind, it just makes everything look very fairlandesque
-Getting lost in cornfields. After awhile, I just turned wherever I felt like and blasted music. It was pretty cathartic, kind of a reflection of what my mind was doing at that moment.
-Talking to you on the phone, and you offering to look up directions for me, like my own personal spy team computer techie. You got my back Agent (what was you agent name again?)
-Imagining a soul-spilling session with La Trois, which is very much needed, btw. (With quesadillas? yes.)
-Coming home, and my sister and her new boyfriend being here. I'm getting along with her so well these days, and I love it. Her boyfriend was friendly too. He has the biggest biceps I have ever seen up-close.

Then again, it might be the wine my dad poured me when I got home ("You need to get ready for Italy!") that is making everything seem wonderful. Disclaimer: I only had half a glass, so this is unlikely.

I'm seeing you tomorrow. Coffee and cramming.

Drowning in the Post

Over the past month I've been continuously bombarded with letters and e-mails from various colleges, and to be honest I'm feeling quite overwhelmed. I don't want to think about it, but I know I should. A year from now I'll probably know, or at least have a good idea, where I'll be heading off to. I'm scared. I feel I say this a lot. Expressing my trepidation when it comes to the future. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be so repetitive. My mind just runs in circles at times. Although it feels like it's all the time.

Photoclub was interesting. We went to Robert's. I bought some black and white film. It's suppose to be higher contrast (meaning there's a stronger difference between the blacks and whites). I'm excited to experiment. I took a few photos around the shop and school this afternoon with my "new" SLR. I like the whole process of taking a picture. I like scoping out the small details. I like framing the shot and focusing in with the lens. I like deciding what to put in focus and what to blur out. What will appear and what will fade back into the backround. I like creating things. I really like the process. It's the same with painting. I love layering the paint and working it as an image begins to build up. I don't know why, but I do.

I think I'll go collage a canvas now.

It's 12:22

I went to bed, really tired. I inexplicably woke up at midnight and couldn't fall back asleep. I drank warm milk. I checked facebook to see if anyone else couldn't sleep. I got on here.

I don't really have anything to say, so I guess this is just my shout-out to the blogosphere.
I am alive.
I am alive in the virtual world.