Anatomy of and Artist

Here I am. Back to drawing strange pictures of human organs on old paper. Except, I've become a bit of pyro ever since i experimented with burning small slips of paper for lydia and my french project. Now I can't stop. I want to singe every scrap of paper that finds its way into my hands. It's become addicting. But still, my mind has found its way back to its fascination with anatomy. I am not really sure how I became so intrigued. Perhaps it originated from my "house" phase. I loved how the show seemed to feature the body and illness as just one huge puzzle to be solved by House. Perhaps it was the puzzle like nature that drew me in. Now I find myself wanting to know all about the body and how it works. I want to know how everything is connected. How the organs all affect one another. God I am a nerd. Can't deny it.

Hm, make that a freak nerd.

This is my life. I draw strange pictures and avoid social engagement from time to time. Why am I such a creeper? I swear. But really I'm just interested by how things work. I worry sometimes that my grandparents think I am strange. I wonder if they're sometimes curious as to where the sweet little child of my past went. Not that I'm depressed and rude now or anything. But I am strange (as I stated before). I hope they're not too wierded out. But they seem okay with me for the most part. It's just my granny seemed a bit...confused perhaps?, when she saw me sketching the heart and lungs from an old sketch from a dusty book. I feel I don't talk to my family as much as I use to anymore. I don't know why. I never thought I'd ever be that kid who just kind of pulls away from their family but despite my prior expectations I seem to have anyways. For some reason the prospect of holding up a conversation just seems exhausting to me at times. I don't understand it. Maybe it's just my psyche pushing me towards independence as I mature. Maybe, well no probably, this is just life. This is just what it feels like to grow up. I still care for them, but at the same time I also feel distanced. Perhaps we'll be closer in the future. Maybe conversation will come more easily when I'm out on my own in the world. On the other hand though I've become increasingly close to my sister which has really pleased me. I like being friends with her and having someone to band together with in situations where I'm surrounded by adults. I'm glad we have each others backs.

What exactly do you mean by not being happy? You always seem so exhuberant to me. But then again it could be I'm so mellow everything about your personality seems much more intense in comparison to myself. I don't ever think you could be completely without happiness swan. I think you'll always be a little kid inside, so playful and filled with joy. It's just that maybe you'll be required to act differently, more mature, in a number of situations. Yet, I don't think you'll ever completely loose that jubilance of yours. And even if you do it won't take you long to rediscover it, otherwise you wouldn't be the sara that i know and love.

Where Have I Been?

This is my first time on here in forever. I apologize. I read all your entries; they almost made me cry. Andrea, I appreciate you too. I love you so intensely for being a receptical and a participator in all my crazininess, for being so entirely unique, for making me think about things, for cooking with me, and for not hating me for making you try macaroni and cheese that one time. I'm sorry if I haven't been there for you as much as I should have this last month. Anytime you need me, call me, or just come by. I'll always be there for you, either with food or with a shoulder. (hopefully always a shoulder, actually, I don't want to lose them).
Lately I have been in the oddest emotional state. I have never felt this way before, and I can honestly say that I am not a fan. It's like my intense adoration of the world has faded into this lonely echo within. I want to stop it. When I look at my life right now from without, it seems so amazingly wonderful. I want to enjoy everything as it is meant to be enjoyed-explicitly and immediately. But I can't stop wondering which things in my life have contributed to this empty feeling. Because I want to be filled again, I can't stop searching for the source of the drainage. I don't know if it's an inevitability of growing up, the losing of some of your indelible faith in the world, if it's just my reaction to change, or if I've just lost myself so completely I have become just a follower. Or maybe I'm just tired and need some sleep and and alone time. I don't know. I want to to know. I need to know. Because I can't stand this feeling. I need to be happy, which sounds selfish and precocious, but honestly, if we want to be happy, why not admit it? Why not do all you can to become so? I just wish I knew what I had to do.

Where Am I?

Reading Time Magazine makes me feel so intellectual and worldly. I love it and I find it so fascinating, learning about what's going on around the world. I always feel so accomplished after getting through an issue. At the same time though it kind of scares me, knowing what's happening to the world. I was reading one of the articles about Afghanistan and how the US is trying to resolve the conflict there. Reading it, I realized that I don't think I will ever be able to fully understand what life is like for the people there. It seemed almost like some warped fantasy compared to the life I have. I can't imagine what it would be like to live every moment of my life in fear, to go home to a shack, to have to conceal my identity and be belittled just because I'm a girl. I have absolutely no idea what that would be like. I can only imagine. But I will never truly know or understand. Not unless I actually travel all the way across the earth and experience it for myself. The horror and oppression that others face is so much more dire than the silly inconveniences and heartbreaks I face here. My problems are so petty in contrast to what those other people have to deal with. And yet, as horrible and tragic as life is there, I know that an hour later I will already be back to worrying about myself. I feel selfish. Yet, i think you could say that every human being is the same. Greed and self interest is what has driven us to survive in the world. But then people sometimes take it too far and screw things up leaving us with war and mass chaos. I wonder if this war will ever have an end. Sometimes I can't help but think that we will never see the end of it. That it won't happen in our lifetime. Everything seems so tangled. It's just a huge mess of various countries making reckless choices. How do you untangle it? Is it even possible? Maybe, horrible and awful as it sounds, we should just let other countries deal with it. Let it destroy them. Maybe our actions are only making it worse. But then again, we're too involved. We've already played and hand in fucking up the world. Therefore we're responsible for fixing our mistakes. But is it even possible to fix. I can't help but wonder if the pain and this mess is all to deep to manage anymore.

People speak of waking up one day and there will no longer be any such thing as war. Sadly it's only a fantasy. Such a world could never be. Even if one war ends, another will only begin. The selfish interests of various individuals and organizations will only reignite the struggle. War is wholly ingrained in the fabric of human history. And it will continue to be that way until the sun explodes, or we're hit by a massive asteroid, or we end up blowing everyone else up. Greed and the desire for power is only human nature. I wish it weren't so, but that's the way it is. I wish we could fix it but I don't think we could fully erase such tendencies from the human race. I suppose all we can do is appreciate what we have. Give thanks for the fact that we're not stuck in the crossfire. That life isn't crumbling apart around us and falling on our heads.

I wonder if it was always like this. If life back then seemed just as bleak as it does now. Or would it be better if we never came across gunpowder and nuclear weapons. Would we be a little better off? Or would we still find just as much misery?

I'm sorry I'm such a downer and such a pessimist. It just really got me thinking. But, on a happier note, the world isn't all bad. There's sunshine. The rain has stopped for now and the temperature is warming up. We have a lovely school and wonderful friends. We have a whole future ahead of us, full of possibilities and a multitude of opportunities. We have something to live for and to look forward to everyday we wake up and for that I am incredibly thankful.

Hello Sunshine!

Running around in the park the other day made me feel like a little kid. It was so wonderful, I forgot how wondrous those early days of childhood were. I forgot what it was like to run rampant and wild and the feel of cool mud between my toes. I think I know why those years of our lives are so cherished. It is because when you're young your attitude towards life is carefree. You don't have to worry about cleanliness (although we still seem to practice this), responsibility, or how people will perceive you. Everything is happy and bright. When you're young you get lost in the moment and every other concern fades away. All you're left with is the present and making the most of it. Sometimes I don't want to grow up. I'm excited for independence but at the same time I want to be able to be silly and run around with mud covered feet. I want to be able to get lost in the moment. I think Herron has done a superb job of instilling those childlike traits in us for which I'm thankful. I just hope that when I finally move beyond Herron into whatever awaits me that I won't forget these values. I hope I'm not pressured back into who I use to be, that meek little shadow because I find the real world to be a much more terrifying place than I thought. But somehow I don't think that will happen. I think I've grown much more open. I guess I just hope I'm strong enough to keep going.

My mom and my sister have really gotten into "That 70's Show." They apparently rented it from the library and were watching it earlier this evening. I decided to join them for a while. One of the episodes though was about relationships and the parents were telling the kids that lying is the best policy and the mother was teaching jakie how to control men and get them to do things for her. On one hand I found it kind of amusing but then I started thinking about it and began to worry if that's really what most relationships turn into. Are they all based in lies and manipulative cynacism? I would hope not. I know it's television and can't be taken seriously but I can't help but wonder. It worries me. I would never want that. I wouldn't want any boy to be so sad and pathetic that they could be ordered around like a dog. I don't want to be with someone so that I can control them and use them for my own benefit. I would want them to behave the way they do because they chose to do so, not because of a twisted manipulated relationship. I would want a relationship based on respect and honesty. Maybe I'm naive. God, I hope not though.

Have you seen those things on facebook people have about their names and meanings behind them? It got me wondering about whether or not our names carry any meaning. It seems like any word looses it's meaning if you think about it long enough. Soon it just becomes some bizzare jumble of lines and sounds. I wonder why we decided to communicate by vocals over sign language. I think that out of all words though, names are the hardest to render meaningless. They seem to embody a whole persona. Whenever I hear a name of someone I know I always associate it with various aspects of that person's personality. So if I were to hear the name Sara I'd think of you or Steak and I'd associate it with qualities like intelligence or kindness. Also, have you ever noticed that often times names just seem to "fit" people? I wonder if there's actually something about a name that influences a person or if we're simply applying the qualities we recognize in those people to the name.

I'm sorry I've completely taken this thing over. I know you say you feel you don't have a lot of important things to say. I guess I understand that. That majority I what I write down here is pretty worthless. Nevertheless I find there's something comforting about recording these random musings of mine. I want to be able to go back and read these in the future. I was actually doing that earlier. It was interesting, and kind of embarrassing, going back and reading over my past thoughts. It's like I'm perserving me in time for my future self. However, there were also spaces of nothing where now I really wish I had written something. I don't care so much if what I have to say is garbage to everyone else. Maybe it will matter to me later on in life, and I guess if it gives me further insight into myself later on that's reason enough for me to write something down. Well, where ever you are now Sara, I hope you are well but for now it's bon soir.

Telekinesis

I can't stop listening to this band.

Telekinesis would be cool. Out of the various superhuman abilities one could have i think that would be one of the top ones. I don't know why, but there's something about moving stuff with the mind that appeals to me. Or flying would be my other preference. I remember when I was younger, whenever I went outside I would always look up and watch the birds soaring about the telephone poles, and it was strange because as I watched them I felt the most terrible ache in my heart, this overpowering want to be like them. At that moment all I wanted was to be able to grow wings and fly away. To leave the earth behind and just soar above with the birds. But I couldn't, I couldn't grow wings, I couldn't fly away. And it made me incredibly sad. My heart felt so heavy upon this realization, that I could never fly. At least not like the birds do. I am only human. Sometimes this fact makes me feel very weak. I feel vulnerable thinking about it. I've never been any good at letting people in. Always a closed book. Always so afraid. I thought that I just didn't like people, but now I think it was fear that made me want to fly away so bad. I didn't want to deal with school. I always felt so awkward and was ever so fearful that everyone else around me thought I was strange and freakish. So I hardly ever talked. The strange thing is that I can recall being like this for most of my life. I've always felt alone. Well, perhaps not all the time, I've had moments with you and other herron kids where I feel a really strong personal connection. But nevertheless, the loneliness always seeps back into me. And when it does, I feel so alone no matter who I'm with even if it is with you. I don't know why I feel this way at times. But I recall all the way back to preschool feelings of dejection and aloofness. I remember really wanting to make friends with the kids in my class but they tended to ignore me, or they simply had other companions they would rather converse with over me. I think I've definitely changed. Herron has helped me so much. I feel like it's almost saved me from myself. I sometimes think about what would have happened to me if I had stayed at pike and it really scares me. I can't help but think that it would have been a very unpleasant ending.

Now I feel content for the most part. I can live with who I am most of the time. Although I'm still very flawed. I still fuck things up, really bad, from time to time. Somedays when I'm feeling conflicted, I almost feel split. I feel like half of me is quiet and composed. Meak and hiding away from the world, but still trying to put on a smiling face while keeping the world at a distance. But then I also feel there's another layer of emotion under that. It's a mix of anger and recklessness. It's this part of me that just wants to let loose and go crazy and not give a damn about the consequences. But it can't because I'm always in control. I can't let anyone see the full extent of my emotions that I just shove away into some dark forgotten corner of my brain until something happens that really upsets me or durring one of those weeks when I just get really stressed out. I know it can't be healthy. I'm trying to change. I really am. I've realized that this past year I've opened up more to you than I have anyone else in my entire life. You're the only person who I have straight out cried my heart out in front of and completely poured out my emotions to without hesitation. That's something I've never been able to do before. I still don't think I could really do it again, or at least not often or to anyone else besides you or lydia. Sara I am incredibly thankful for you. You are my anchor. You know me better than anyone. I am grateful for everything you've done for me and I'm incredibly lucky to have you as my friend. I can't even imagine where I would be now if I hadn't ever been transfered to fishback and what I would have become if I hadn't sat next to that blonde chic on the swingsets at school and asked her about warring woodland critters. Sara, I'm telling you all of this to you because I feel like sometimes it seems as if I take you for granted or I don't really care. But I do, so much. Sara, I'm sorry I'm not the most open person but I will never take our friendship for granted. Remember that I'll always love you as a sister and all I want is for you to be happy and that you never forget about Sandi.

Thank You.

Pitter-Patter

So goes the rain on the window sill. I hope it storms tonight. I love the thunder and the lightning. There's something about it that comforts me. And amazes me. Sometimes I find myself just staring out the window when I should be focusing on sleep, but rather my mind in entranced by the flashes of light that illuminate the houses as if it were day for only a second before the night takes over again and all I can see are shadows and silhouettes. I like curling up under layers of blankets with a book while outside it's violent and wild. I feel so calm under the covers. Why does something so tumultuous give me so much peace? I feel I will never fully understand myself. Maybe I am not suppose to.

My mentality is back. I'm sorry sara. I didn't mean to freak out. I'm sorry for the histrionics, i'm sorry for flipping out. I hope you don't worry to much about me. You shouldn't. I just overthink things to much sometimes. I am hoping you are happy. You seem very jubilant these days. I'm glad. I don't ever want you to feel sad. But you seem far from it. I love how whenever you see james a huge smile lights up your face and your eyes seems even brighter and bluer. It's so sweet. Just promise me that you'll enjoy every moment of it. Don't be afraid to live it up. It's a wonderful thing and you should make the best of it. Don't make mistakes like me. Please please please live life to it's fullest Sara. That's all I ask. You'll make me so proud. I don't ever want you to make the same mistakes I did.

I've been bonding with my sister over the weekend. I really want us to be close. It was funny though because she brought up our past relationship which I guess wasn't so great. She told me that I use to be incredibly mean to her. I guess I was. I was such a trickster back in the day. She use to annoy me so much. I'm still sneaky, but I love her so much now. I want to be best friends with her. I want her to feel like she can talk to me about anything, school, boys, life... I want us to hang out and do stuff together. I think I want to be to my little sister what jakob's brother is to him. I want that bond with her. I want to be her friend. I want to be there for her whenever she needs me.

I feel the need to write more. There's such much I could let loose on, but perhaps now is not the time. It's getting late and I should be getting off to bed. Goodnight Sara, sleep well my dear sister.

Turmoil in My Mind

Oh, I don't know how to start. My mind is so muddled. I feel confused. This weekend I was fine, this week however has jarbled (doubtful that's actually a real word, so please excuse my false vocab) my brain. I don't know what to think. I've set myself up on a path of self doubt and double guessing. I don't know. I don't. What the hell am I doing? What am I thinking? Will anything I do make a difference? Am I wasting my time? I hope not, i really really hope I'm not.

Sometimes I wish I could escape from myself. I just need to exit my mind and all these thoughts that consume me. I can't understand why this is happening now, just out of no where. Why so much concern? If only I had answers. But I don't. Maybe that's my problem. My doubt and uncertainty, maybe that's what's eating me alive.

I'm sorry, I know I don't, or never, make any sense when I'm like this. I can only ramble on and on. Oh Sara. I, I, I don't know. Nothing horrible and devastating has happened. I've just gotten myself caught up in some loop, some absurd train of though and I can't escape.

I talked to Lydia on the way home. It was nice. Car rides are perfect for that sort of thing, unloading your troubles, opening up. I felt better at the end. But later i found myself back in the hole. I spent over an hour up in my room painting. The problem sometimes though is that I start overthinking, I get so drawn into my mind when I paint I end up focusing intently on whatever is on my mind. It's bothersome. Maybe I just need a new week to begin.