Anatomy of and Artist

Here I am. Back to drawing strange pictures of human organs on old paper. Except, I've become a bit of pyro ever since i experimented with burning small slips of paper for lydia and my french project. Now I can't stop. I want to singe every scrap of paper that finds its way into my hands. It's become addicting. But still, my mind has found its way back to its fascination with anatomy. I am not really sure how I became so intrigued. Perhaps it originated from my "house" phase. I loved how the show seemed to feature the body and illness as just one huge puzzle to be solved by House. Perhaps it was the puzzle like nature that drew me in. Now I find myself wanting to know all about the body and how it works. I want to know how everything is connected. How the organs all affect one another. God I am a nerd. Can't deny it.

Hm, make that a freak nerd.

This is my life. I draw strange pictures and avoid social engagement from time to time. Why am I such a creeper? I swear. But really I'm just interested by how things work. I worry sometimes that my grandparents think I am strange. I wonder if they're sometimes curious as to where the sweet little child of my past went. Not that I'm depressed and rude now or anything. But I am strange (as I stated before). I hope they're not too wierded out. But they seem okay with me for the most part. It's just my granny seemed a bit...confused perhaps?, when she saw me sketching the heart and lungs from an old sketch from a dusty book. I feel I don't talk to my family as much as I use to anymore. I don't know why. I never thought I'd ever be that kid who just kind of pulls away from their family but despite my prior expectations I seem to have anyways. For some reason the prospect of holding up a conversation just seems exhausting to me at times. I don't understand it. Maybe it's just my psyche pushing me towards independence as I mature. Maybe, well no probably, this is just life. This is just what it feels like to grow up. I still care for them, but at the same time I also feel distanced. Perhaps we'll be closer in the future. Maybe conversation will come more easily when I'm out on my own in the world. On the other hand though I've become increasingly close to my sister which has really pleased me. I like being friends with her and having someone to band together with in situations where I'm surrounded by adults. I'm glad we have each others backs.

What exactly do you mean by not being happy? You always seem so exhuberant to me. But then again it could be I'm so mellow everything about your personality seems much more intense in comparison to myself. I don't ever think you could be completely without happiness swan. I think you'll always be a little kid inside, so playful and filled with joy. It's just that maybe you'll be required to act differently, more mature, in a number of situations. Yet, I don't think you'll ever completely loose that jubilance of yours. And even if you do it won't take you long to rediscover it, otherwise you wouldn't be the sara that i know and love.

Where Have I Been?

This is my first time on here in forever. I apologize. I read all your entries; they almost made me cry. Andrea, I appreciate you too. I love you so intensely for being a receptical and a participator in all my crazininess, for being so entirely unique, for making me think about things, for cooking with me, and for not hating me for making you try macaroni and cheese that one time. I'm sorry if I haven't been there for you as much as I should have this last month. Anytime you need me, call me, or just come by. I'll always be there for you, either with food or with a shoulder. (hopefully always a shoulder, actually, I don't want to lose them).
Lately I have been in the oddest emotional state. I have never felt this way before, and I can honestly say that I am not a fan. It's like my intense adoration of the world has faded into this lonely echo within. I want to stop it. When I look at my life right now from without, it seems so amazingly wonderful. I want to enjoy everything as it is meant to be enjoyed-explicitly and immediately. But I can't stop wondering which things in my life have contributed to this empty feeling. Because I want to be filled again, I can't stop searching for the source of the drainage. I don't know if it's an inevitability of growing up, the losing of some of your indelible faith in the world, if it's just my reaction to change, or if I've just lost myself so completely I have become just a follower. Or maybe I'm just tired and need some sleep and and alone time. I don't know. I want to to know. I need to know. Because I can't stand this feeling. I need to be happy, which sounds selfish and precocious, but honestly, if we want to be happy, why not admit it? Why not do all you can to become so? I just wish I knew what I had to do.