This is my first time on here in forever. I apologize. I read all your entries; they almost made me cry. Andrea, I appreciate you too. I love you so intensely for being a receptical and a participator in all my crazininess, for being so entirely unique, for making me think about things, for cooking with me, and for not hating me for making you try macaroni and cheese that one time. I'm sorry if I haven't been there for you as much as I should have this last month. Anytime you need me, call me, or just come by. I'll always be there for you, either with food or with a shoulder. (hopefully always a shoulder, actually, I don't want to lose them).
Lately I have been in the oddest emotional state. I have never felt this way before, and I can honestly say that I am not a fan. It's like my intense adoration of the world has faded into this lonely echo within. I want to stop it. When I look at my life right now from without, it seems so amazingly wonderful. I want to enjoy everything as it is meant to be enjoyed-explicitly and immediately. But I can't stop wondering which things in my life have contributed to this empty feeling. Because I want to be filled again, I can't stop searching for the source of the drainage. I don't know if it's an inevitability of growing up, the losing of some of your indelible faith in the world, if it's just my reaction to change, or if I've just lost myself so completely I have become just a follower. Or maybe I'm just tired and need some sleep and and alone time. I don't know. I want to to know. I need to know. Because I can't stand this feeling. I need to be happy, which sounds selfish and precocious, but honestly, if we want to be happy, why not admit it? Why not do all you can to become so? I just wish I knew what I had to do.
No comments:
Post a Comment