What Now?

It's two o'clock in the morning. And I should be asleep. I know I'll probably hate myself for this in the morning. Staying up late. But my mind just keeps thinking thinking thinking. About the Past. And the Future. Everything. The interesting twists and turns of the past year.

I miss it. Senior year. I miss the people, the experiences. Even though I was so stressed. Even though I cried so much. And in front of people, my parents, so often. I hate that. Crying in front of others. It makes me feel weak.

I spent the night packing up my bags. But not collecting everything. Some things are staying behind. Reminders that I use to be a resident here. And that maybe, one day, I'll be back. But then, that day of return, seems so far away. Looking at those suitcases, that pile of junk that I will soon be hauling off with me in just over 24 hours....it doesn't seem real. So surreal, this day has been.

I miss Audrey already, and she hasn't even left.

Oh, and Callie. She's in Kenya now, but I can't believe it. I can't, its so hard to wrap my mind around.

These lavender walls, spotted with clouds. My little baby cranes. Will they miss me? Will they even be here when I come back? They must be. But will I even feel at home here anymore?

Think. Think. Think. It would be nice if I could turn my mind off right now and go to sleep. But it's so preoccupied. I never would have expected this. To have made this decision of where to go to school. To have made the friends I have. To have turned into this person that I am now. So different from my freshman self. Not even at the beginning of senior year though, would I have ever expected to have experienced some of the things I did this year.

Trepidation. What comes next? I don't want to forget the past. These people, who I care about so much. Yet, I want to move forward, in a way. I want to meet new people. Experience new things. All the same, its still kind of making me uneasy.

But I guess that's normal.

Its late. Lights out. I should be in bed.

Its not like we'll never meet again.

Feeling Nostalgic

I found that Accordions album on my computer today. And listened to it. It made me kind of sad, but it was also happy to listen to. I started thinking about that day we went to see them and Arrah play at earthhouse. I miss those days. I feel everything was so much more happy then. Even though we were so stressed that whole year. I can't help but remembering feeling unusually happy at that time.

I miss this past winter. When everything felt so daring and exciting. Being adventurous and sneaking about. When my head was filled with silly little possibilities, made up future events. I miss that feeling. Of being so alive, and hopeful.

Why do I always feel so apathetic. Or bitter. This is stupid.

I'm just rambling on as usual. To afraid to directly say who or what is on my mind. Afraid of who might discover this and read it. I just keep having this flashbacks though, and got silly and emotional. Thinking, I have to let someone know about this! I have to share this feeling! I don't know why.

I wish you were here right now. I want to talk to you. I hope you are doing alright.

I feel like crying.

Man this is weird. Now that I'm thinking about emotions, I'm getting kind of emotional. Kind of. I started thinking about college too. Excitement is the predominant emotion. Freedom! from rules, from judgement being passed from parents, from curfews, and expectations. But a bit of fear is also setting in. I'm afraid of being alone. Afraid of secluding myself to much to socializing with people I already know. But I'm also afraid to make new friends. I think about how close I am with you, and lydia, and audrey. And others. How I can speak my mind whenever I'm in your presence. I love knowing that none of us would ever judge the other. I'm so so incredibly terrified that I will never experience that again once I leave for college. Or if I do, it won't be for a very long time before others feel comfortable enough to have such openness with me. And me with them. I've been thinking about what you said about being to dependent on people. Maybe, I worry, I am too dependent, not on a specific person, but simply having someone there to talk to. That I feel such a strong need to have just someone with whom I can speak in a completely free and open manner.

Or maybe I'm just mistaking human nature for weakness.

I can't stop thinking about the past. Particularly that warm, cozy yellow kitchen.