Feeling Nostalgic

I found that Accordions album on my computer today. And listened to it. It made me kind of sad, but it was also happy to listen to. I started thinking about that day we went to see them and Arrah play at earthhouse. I miss those days. I feel everything was so much more happy then. Even though we were so stressed that whole year. I can't help but remembering feeling unusually happy at that time.

I miss this past winter. When everything felt so daring and exciting. Being adventurous and sneaking about. When my head was filled with silly little possibilities, made up future events. I miss that feeling. Of being so alive, and hopeful.

Why do I always feel so apathetic. Or bitter. This is stupid.

I'm just rambling on as usual. To afraid to directly say who or what is on my mind. Afraid of who might discover this and read it. I just keep having this flashbacks though, and got silly and emotional. Thinking, I have to let someone know about this! I have to share this feeling! I don't know why.

I wish you were here right now. I want to talk to you. I hope you are doing alright.

I feel like crying.

Man this is weird. Now that I'm thinking about emotions, I'm getting kind of emotional. Kind of. I started thinking about college too. Excitement is the predominant emotion. Freedom! from rules, from judgement being passed from parents, from curfews, and expectations. But a bit of fear is also setting in. I'm afraid of being alone. Afraid of secluding myself to much to socializing with people I already know. But I'm also afraid to make new friends. I think about how close I am with you, and lydia, and audrey. And others. How I can speak my mind whenever I'm in your presence. I love knowing that none of us would ever judge the other. I'm so so incredibly terrified that I will never experience that again once I leave for college. Or if I do, it won't be for a very long time before others feel comfortable enough to have such openness with me. And me with them. I've been thinking about what you said about being to dependent on people. Maybe, I worry, I am too dependent, not on a specific person, but simply having someone there to talk to. That I feel such a strong need to have just someone with whom I can speak in a completely free and open manner.

Or maybe I'm just mistaking human nature for weakness.

I can't stop thinking about the past. Particularly that warm, cozy yellow kitchen.