Hunger

grips my stomach.

My roommate is gone! Out of town for the night. I think, I like having a room to myself. Not that I mean to be antisocial, but I like the idea of having a place that is my own. Of solitude. But I still have to stare at her tawdry lady gaga posters. Looking around this room, I've realized that my voice/persona/whatever is hardly identifiable. Everything, most everything, is hers. The posters, the decor, her mess of clothes and band gear that sprawls across the floor. I have my sheets, my one half of the closet and a small little corner for my desk. The only items offering a glimpse into my life being the few assorted pictures and an incomplete painting. My roommate is nice, and easy enough to live with. But I still like being alone. I miss being myself. Completely.

I just want to be able to walk around in my underwear and eat peanut butter straight out of the jar without having to worry about freaking her out. I carry myself so cautiously when I am around her. She seems so normal, I am concerned I might scare her. Being watched all the time by these people, these strangers, almost makes me feel like I always have to put on a show. So cautious about my actions. But I think my quirkiness may just be making a comeback. I've started to dance about randomly whenever I feel stressed or bored or just have nothing better to do. And people seem to be taking that pretty well. It's still not quite the same though. Not like how things use to be. But hopefully we'll get there one day.

Today I went on a night walk with Sarah. It was lovely! She's a wonderful person to talk to. Full of intelligent conversation. You know how you asked me over summer if you thought other people found things beautiful like Herron kids do? Well we kind of talked about that. And then we made up stories about all the people who passed by, as we watched creepily from the woods. I'm thankful for Sarah, and I'm glad she puts up with all my tagging along. I wish you were in the same building as us.

I still miss Herron though. Sometimes I feel lonely. Or maybe not exactly lonely, but maybe nostalgic. And kind of separate. Sometimes I worry that my interest in an Art Major separates me from the other people in my dorm. I miss the creative culture of Herron. I miss talking about art, and looking at art. Thinking about art. And music. Listening to it all the time. And how I would always associate it with various memories and situations. I miss interesting conversations, about everything and anything. Life, death, beauty, art.

Funny thing though, I feel like I've been living in the present this week almost entirely. Because I have to. I have no hopes, no expectations for the future. I don't know what to expect from school, from life, at this point. Everything is still so new and different. I can only think of today, and of how to make it to the next day. How to stay on top of all my class work, and trying to find things to preoccupy myself with in my spare time. Sometimes I'll think about the past. Or I will think a lot about the past. But I still feel very conscious of the present. Because right now, the present seems to be my greatest concern.