Hunger

grips my stomach.

My roommate is gone! Out of town for the night. I think, I like having a room to myself. Not that I mean to be antisocial, but I like the idea of having a place that is my own. Of solitude. But I still have to stare at her tawdry lady gaga posters. Looking around this room, I've realized that my voice/persona/whatever is hardly identifiable. Everything, most everything, is hers. The posters, the decor, her mess of clothes and band gear that sprawls across the floor. I have my sheets, my one half of the closet and a small little corner for my desk. The only items offering a glimpse into my life being the few assorted pictures and an incomplete painting. My roommate is nice, and easy enough to live with. But I still like being alone. I miss being myself. Completely.

I just want to be able to walk around in my underwear and eat peanut butter straight out of the jar without having to worry about freaking her out. I carry myself so cautiously when I am around her. She seems so normal, I am concerned I might scare her. Being watched all the time by these people, these strangers, almost makes me feel like I always have to put on a show. So cautious about my actions. But I think my quirkiness may just be making a comeback. I've started to dance about randomly whenever I feel stressed or bored or just have nothing better to do. And people seem to be taking that pretty well. It's still not quite the same though. Not like how things use to be. But hopefully we'll get there one day.

Today I went on a night walk with Sarah. It was lovely! She's a wonderful person to talk to. Full of intelligent conversation. You know how you asked me over summer if you thought other people found things beautiful like Herron kids do? Well we kind of talked about that. And then we made up stories about all the people who passed by, as we watched creepily from the woods. I'm thankful for Sarah, and I'm glad she puts up with all my tagging along. I wish you were in the same building as us.

I still miss Herron though. Sometimes I feel lonely. Or maybe not exactly lonely, but maybe nostalgic. And kind of separate. Sometimes I worry that my interest in an Art Major separates me from the other people in my dorm. I miss the creative culture of Herron. I miss talking about art, and looking at art. Thinking about art. And music. Listening to it all the time. And how I would always associate it with various memories and situations. I miss interesting conversations, about everything and anything. Life, death, beauty, art.

Funny thing though, I feel like I've been living in the present this week almost entirely. Because I have to. I have no hopes, no expectations for the future. I don't know what to expect from school, from life, at this point. Everything is still so new and different. I can only think of today, and of how to make it to the next day. How to stay on top of all my class work, and trying to find things to preoccupy myself with in my spare time. Sometimes I'll think about the past. Or I will think a lot about the past. But I still feel very conscious of the present. Because right now, the present seems to be my greatest concern.

What Now?

It's two o'clock in the morning. And I should be asleep. I know I'll probably hate myself for this in the morning. Staying up late. But my mind just keeps thinking thinking thinking. About the Past. And the Future. Everything. The interesting twists and turns of the past year.

I miss it. Senior year. I miss the people, the experiences. Even though I was so stressed. Even though I cried so much. And in front of people, my parents, so often. I hate that. Crying in front of others. It makes me feel weak.

I spent the night packing up my bags. But not collecting everything. Some things are staying behind. Reminders that I use to be a resident here. And that maybe, one day, I'll be back. But then, that day of return, seems so far away. Looking at those suitcases, that pile of junk that I will soon be hauling off with me in just over 24 hours....it doesn't seem real. So surreal, this day has been.

I miss Audrey already, and she hasn't even left.

Oh, and Callie. She's in Kenya now, but I can't believe it. I can't, its so hard to wrap my mind around.

These lavender walls, spotted with clouds. My little baby cranes. Will they miss me? Will they even be here when I come back? They must be. But will I even feel at home here anymore?

Think. Think. Think. It would be nice if I could turn my mind off right now and go to sleep. But it's so preoccupied. I never would have expected this. To have made this decision of where to go to school. To have made the friends I have. To have turned into this person that I am now. So different from my freshman self. Not even at the beginning of senior year though, would I have ever expected to have experienced some of the things I did this year.

Trepidation. What comes next? I don't want to forget the past. These people, who I care about so much. Yet, I want to move forward, in a way. I want to meet new people. Experience new things. All the same, its still kind of making me uneasy.

But I guess that's normal.

Its late. Lights out. I should be in bed.

Its not like we'll never meet again.

Feeling Nostalgic

I found that Accordions album on my computer today. And listened to it. It made me kind of sad, but it was also happy to listen to. I started thinking about that day we went to see them and Arrah play at earthhouse. I miss those days. I feel everything was so much more happy then. Even though we were so stressed that whole year. I can't help but remembering feeling unusually happy at that time.

I miss this past winter. When everything felt so daring and exciting. Being adventurous and sneaking about. When my head was filled with silly little possibilities, made up future events. I miss that feeling. Of being so alive, and hopeful.

Why do I always feel so apathetic. Or bitter. This is stupid.

I'm just rambling on as usual. To afraid to directly say who or what is on my mind. Afraid of who might discover this and read it. I just keep having this flashbacks though, and got silly and emotional. Thinking, I have to let someone know about this! I have to share this feeling! I don't know why.

I wish you were here right now. I want to talk to you. I hope you are doing alright.

I feel like crying.

Man this is weird. Now that I'm thinking about emotions, I'm getting kind of emotional. Kind of. I started thinking about college too. Excitement is the predominant emotion. Freedom! from rules, from judgement being passed from parents, from curfews, and expectations. But a bit of fear is also setting in. I'm afraid of being alone. Afraid of secluding myself to much to socializing with people I already know. But I'm also afraid to make new friends. I think about how close I am with you, and lydia, and audrey. And others. How I can speak my mind whenever I'm in your presence. I love knowing that none of us would ever judge the other. I'm so so incredibly terrified that I will never experience that again once I leave for college. Or if I do, it won't be for a very long time before others feel comfortable enough to have such openness with me. And me with them. I've been thinking about what you said about being to dependent on people. Maybe, I worry, I am too dependent, not on a specific person, but simply having someone there to talk to. That I feel such a strong need to have just someone with whom I can speak in a completely free and open manner.

Or maybe I'm just mistaking human nature for weakness.

I can't stop thinking about the past. Particularly that warm, cozy yellow kitchen.

I want to walk around with You

I love walking. Sometimes I feel like I could just keep on walking forever and I'd be perfectly content with that. There's just something so soothing about it. Walking with you is nice. I love our conversations. I hope I don't creep you out with my endless questions. But somehow, I don't think that's possible. Silence is nice too sometimes. It's a comfort not feeling obligated to say anything when there is nothing on my mind worth noting. I hope this doesn't make us boring. No, just comfortable. At ease.

I'm contemplating sneaking out. One night. Just one, this summer. I've realized my life seems so dull and uneventful. I rarely take risks or do anything much that is adventurous. Always keep to myself, calm and quiet. But I need to do something. I am capable of taking care of myself. Of course, it wouldn't be anything crazy. I think more than anything I'd just like to climb out the window and go for a walk in the middle of the night. Breath in the crisp summer night air. When it's quiet and peaceful. Just me. Or maybe I'll invite you. You're more than welcome to come. I just have to figure out an escape plan, or more I'd have to test it out. Prepare.

I want to make this summer memorable. I'm in the prime of my youth. Opportunity is abound. Isn't this the time where we're suppose to make the most of life? While we're young and mobile. Responsible, yet free from responsibility? I want to make amends for my dull habits of sitting at home and studying every Friday and Saturday night for the past year. For all the stress and confinement. I need a little excitement. I want to be happy. I want to smile and laugh. I want to feel good and wonderful all the time. While its summer summer summer, and there's sunsunsun. So much funfunfun. AHHHHHH! too much. maybe? You know that bubbly feeling you get though, where you just feel so joyous and content and you're actually living IN the moment for once. And your attention is wholly focused on the present? and you can't stop smiling because everything is just so wonderful and perfect at the exact point in time? That's what I want. I want to feel that. I want to go on adventures. Let's be spontaneous. We are rulers of the world! Fearless explorers. Just don't less this precious time slip by.

Do you feel it? This need to do something extraordinary? Memorable? I want to remember. I always forget my summers. One day always seems to fade into the next. But not this time, I hope.

I want to start taking more film photographs. Just so I can remember it all. Years down the road, I want to be able to pull out my box of photographs and pull out all the little memories and reminisce. To be able to pull back the past and bring it back to life. In a way. Just so I won't forget. The people, places, adventures, all the things I've done and seen will be right there, preserved in a pretty little picture.

In 5 Years Time

I might not know you.

Do you ever feel so caged? I'm ready for spring. For being outside all the time, breathing, breathing, breathing. only fresh air. only bird calls. only tulip buds and dirt. I'm tired of walls and no space. I want to run endlessly and then break into all of my individual atoms and just become this air. AAAA. I want spring.

Blog-O-Lists

I think I'm going to try and write my blogs in lists. My supporting reasons

1. Who doesn't like a good list?
2. I can pull off the poetry of typed out paragraphs
3. Less room to babble on and on in tangents (or so you would hope)
4. It would take less time to write. Especially in the already crammed for time life I have - which basically seems to = no life.
5. I just wanna mix it up!

Let's see how this goes.

Hello World!

I want some personal project. I need ideas. Do you have any? I will list some. This is monotone and entirely unoriginal in structure. I am a robot.

-Don't eat sweets
-Find words to describe everyone
-Write down one story someone tells me everyday
-Have an odd question per day, record answers; don't announce that this is what im planning
-Smile at a new person everyday
-Make an actual conversation when washing hands awkwardly in the bathroom next to a silent person
-Always pay full attention to people when they speak to me
-Write a poem everyday
-Make a list everyday
-Give up complaining

Looking at these, they are things I wished I did everyday, all of them.