Sometimes I feel like an idiot. a deceiver. a liar. a coward. a procrastinator. a hypocrite. a pessimist. a moron. a screw up. a failure.
I feel exasperated at times, but then I can't help but be thankful for my flaws. I've realized so much about myself and my personality this past (school) year. I really want to improve, put what I've learned in motion. But sometimes it's hard. I want to be bold and courageous, yet I feel like hiding. I wish I could be outright in what I say, but I don't always know how. I sometimes find myself stumbling over explanations even in the most simple situations. Most of all though, I think I want to be more honest and open. But like I said it's hard. Really, I just wish people could reach into my head and then instantly know exactly how I felt and understand the full extent of my thoughts and feelings. I feel I'm not sufficient in expressing myself. I worry that people may think that I take them for granted. I don't. I just don't always know what to do.
Despite all of this, this mad crazy mess of musings circulating in my brain, all this self assessment and critical remarks, I feel like it's okay. That it will be. I'm thankful for this self realization nevertheless. I'm aware of the conflict, I just have to work to make it better. I really want to be better. I need you to remind me of our promise to be honest. I don't know if I can make it without encouragement. Can you be the little angel on my shoulder reminding me that I can do better?
Sorry to bring you down, I don't mean too. Really I'm feeling positive. I'm not letting life get me down now. I hope that this makes sense.
Today I decided to watch "Gilmore Girls" as you suggested, and Mrs. Kim was in it! I realized that I had forgotten all about Mrs. Kim, I can't believe it!! Ah, it's so comforting. I think these characters are kind of crazy, yet perfectly normal. Once again, I don't think I'm making sense. Still, it's quite delightful. Nostalgic.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Thank God I'm Not Still Staring at that Coffe Cup
Thank you so much Sa, really I'm glad you came. I say that with complete sincerity. Community servicing was tres super! If it weren't for you I would probably still be awkwardly standing by that awesome orange lifty-thing staring at that coffe cup.
I think I'm honest with myself for the most part. I'm just scared of owning up to my emotions and whatnot to other people. I'm fearful of being judged. I'm glad I can confide in you though. It's a nice comfort. I just hope my mind doesn't become too overwhelming at times for you. Please tell me if it does. I'm looking forward to this honesty resolution; it could be quite interesting. I get what you're saying about how you present your emotions and opinions around different people. I try to stay true to what I believe, but at times it seems difficult to do that while trying to appease another who holds a different opinion, or that I don't fully represent myself in an "honest" light.
Let's face it Sara, we are dorks. We always have been and still are and quite likely will be forever more. On the plus side though, our dorkyness has most likely lessened over the years (at least I would hope so). Also, seeing as we're both dorks we're not alone in this awkward state of being. I've realized that there are parts of my personality that I'll always retain, no matter how much I mature and change over the years. Take dorkyness for example or my timidity (is that even a word?). I don't think I'll ever be able to completely change those aspects of myself, but at least I can try and handle them differently.
I watched Miltida on the television too!! Well, just the first part. Interesting coincidence. Or maybe not, television is pretty commonplace.
When you were talking about your preacher Sandi, at first I though you were talking about our combined personality. I started wondering when why we suddenly become preachers. Oh Sara, I don't think you're a hypocrite. You are an accepting and considerate person. Taking heart in what you believe in is not a crime. We are all free to worship as we choose and believe what we want. It's totally okay as long as you don't shut out the rest of the world. To be honest though, I think having similar concerns about being close minded is one factor that pushed me out of following a religion. That and I guess I just never felt like I belonged at church. I still have spiritual beliefs, but I just don't limit myself to a specific belief system. "Live and let live" has pretty much become my motto. Actually, I think it's really facinating to learn about other people's belief systems.
I'm sad the holidays are drawing to a close. Time is passing so quickly. I agree that we must live the remaining month of our sixteen year old selves to it's fullest. Although, I feel it would be prudent to get through finals first but after that I think we should definantly live it up and celebrate. End the sixtenth year of our lives on a blissful note. Also, ending it with sparkling grape juice is a must.
I think I'm honest with myself for the most part. I'm just scared of owning up to my emotions and whatnot to other people. I'm fearful of being judged. I'm glad I can confide in you though. It's a nice comfort. I just hope my mind doesn't become too overwhelming at times for you. Please tell me if it does. I'm looking forward to this honesty resolution; it could be quite interesting. I get what you're saying about how you present your emotions and opinions around different people. I try to stay true to what I believe, but at times it seems difficult to do that while trying to appease another who holds a different opinion, or that I don't fully represent myself in an "honest" light.
Let's face it Sara, we are dorks. We always have been and still are and quite likely will be forever more. On the plus side though, our dorkyness has most likely lessened over the years (at least I would hope so). Also, seeing as we're both dorks we're not alone in this awkward state of being. I've realized that there are parts of my personality that I'll always retain, no matter how much I mature and change over the years. Take dorkyness for example or my timidity (is that even a word?). I don't think I'll ever be able to completely change those aspects of myself, but at least I can try and handle them differently.
I watched Miltida on the television too!! Well, just the first part. Interesting coincidence. Or maybe not, television is pretty commonplace.
When you were talking about your preacher Sandi, at first I though you were talking about our combined personality. I started wondering when why we suddenly become preachers. Oh Sara, I don't think you're a hypocrite. You are an accepting and considerate person. Taking heart in what you believe in is not a crime. We are all free to worship as we choose and believe what we want. It's totally okay as long as you don't shut out the rest of the world. To be honest though, I think having similar concerns about being close minded is one factor that pushed me out of following a religion. That and I guess I just never felt like I belonged at church. I still have spiritual beliefs, but I just don't limit myself to a specific belief system. "Live and let live" has pretty much become my motto. Actually, I think it's really facinating to learn about other people's belief systems.
I'm sad the holidays are drawing to a close. Time is passing so quickly. I agree that we must live the remaining month of our sixteen year old selves to it's fullest. Although, I feel it would be prudent to get through finals first but after that I think we should definantly live it up and celebrate. End the sixtenth year of our lives on a blissful note. Also, ending it with sparkling grape juice is a must.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
What? Sara can type?
Ah Today has been amazing!
And then I start to think about why it is, and I realize I am most likely very dorky.
I guess I was bound to realize it someday.
So waking up early to do community service with you was completely worth it. I love that we can have heart-to-hearts while sweeping in the middle of a warehouse. I love that I can work one of those orange things now. I love that I feel like I can be truthful with you, and you (hopefully) feel like you can be truthful with you. (Though do you ever worry that what's truthful to you at one moment, might not be truthful in another? I do. Mostly when I talk about what I feel or think. I guess because emotions change constantly and I'm always revising what I believe about certain things. I tend to absorb other people's opinions after awhile. Not sure if that's good.)
When I got home, I changed into sweats, but then changed again because I wanted to go to Cosco avec ma mere. And for some reason, I talked to my mom like the whole way there, which is odd because I usually don't talk in the car, and usually I don't talk that much to my mom in one setting. And we jammed to Jethro Tull (she loves him). And it was Cosco! Which I adore because it's a grocery store, and they have FREE samples-freeness and food! my favorite things! And in the parking lot, this adult Asian man stood on the cart and rode it to his car, like you do when you're a kid. It made me so happy.
Then, I went to church, which I actually really adore doing, especially on Saturday nights because it's very quiet and there aren't many people and Sandi, who gives really good sermons, preached. And I like church because, no matter how I'm feeling, or what annoying thing the priest might say (that's mostly at the Catholic or Baptist services, though sometimes their words are very much okay), I come out feeling so serenely happy and just...peaceful. That sounds trite, but it's true. I'd like to say more, but I can't think of how else to describe it, and I'm afraid what more I say might be true for me now, but untrue for me later. So simplicity? I like church.
I always worry when I say that though, because I feel like it makes me the stereotypical Christian who hates people for being different. I hate feeling like when I say that, I'll automatically be branded as unpleasant, hypocritical, and close-minded. I hope I'm not those things.
But then I went running with Sarah. And Matilda, which I haven't seen in forever (I love that movie, let's watch it together soon), was on the TV! So it helped a lot, and Sarah helped distract me. And I love that feeling after you run. Augh, it's amazing!
And then when I came home, I made my dinner. I had convinced my mom to get tomatoes, which I had been craving, so I broiled cheese on top of mushrooms and tomatoes and dripped this sauce thing I made of olive oil, rosemary, garlic, pepper, and basil on it. MMM I do like cooking.
And now I'm finally writing on our blog! (And putting off that English paper. hmla)
Remember, HOLD ONTO SIXTEEN!
We're doing it.
And then I start to think about why it is, and I realize I am most likely very dorky.
I guess I was bound to realize it someday.
So waking up early to do community service with you was completely worth it. I love that we can have heart-to-hearts while sweeping in the middle of a warehouse. I love that I can work one of those orange things now. I love that I feel like I can be truthful with you, and you (hopefully) feel like you can be truthful with you. (Though do you ever worry that what's truthful to you at one moment, might not be truthful in another? I do. Mostly when I talk about what I feel or think. I guess because emotions change constantly and I'm always revising what I believe about certain things. I tend to absorb other people's opinions after awhile. Not sure if that's good.)
When I got home, I changed into sweats, but then changed again because I wanted to go to Cosco avec ma mere. And for some reason, I talked to my mom like the whole way there, which is odd because I usually don't talk in the car, and usually I don't talk that much to my mom in one setting. And we jammed to Jethro Tull (she loves him). And it was Cosco! Which I adore because it's a grocery store, and they have FREE samples-freeness and food! my favorite things! And in the parking lot, this adult Asian man stood on the cart and rode it to his car, like you do when you're a kid. It made me so happy.
Then, I went to church, which I actually really adore doing, especially on Saturday nights because it's very quiet and there aren't many people and Sandi, who gives really good sermons, preached. And I like church because, no matter how I'm feeling, or what annoying thing the priest might say (that's mostly at the Catholic or Baptist services, though sometimes their words are very much okay), I come out feeling so serenely happy and just...peaceful. That sounds trite, but it's true. I'd like to say more, but I can't think of how else to describe it, and I'm afraid what more I say might be true for me now, but untrue for me later. So simplicity? I like church.
I always worry when I say that though, because I feel like it makes me the stereotypical Christian who hates people for being different. I hate feeling like when I say that, I'll automatically be branded as unpleasant, hypocritical, and close-minded. I hope I'm not those things.
But then I went running with Sarah. And Matilda, which I haven't seen in forever (I love that movie, let's watch it together soon), was on the TV! So it helped a lot, and Sarah helped distract me. And I love that feeling after you run. Augh, it's amazing!
And then when I came home, I made my dinner. I had convinced my mom to get tomatoes, which I had been craving, so I broiled cheese on top of mushrooms and tomatoes and dripped this sauce thing I made of olive oil, rosemary, garlic, pepper, and basil on it. MMM I do like cooking.
And now I'm finally writing on our blog! (And putting off that English paper. hmla)
Remember, HOLD ONTO SIXTEEN!
We're doing it.
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