Hello Sunshine!

Running around in the park the other day made me feel like a little kid. It was so wonderful, I forgot how wondrous those early days of childhood were. I forgot what it was like to run rampant and wild and the feel of cool mud between my toes. I think I know why those years of our lives are so cherished. It is because when you're young your attitude towards life is carefree. You don't have to worry about cleanliness (although we still seem to practice this), responsibility, or how people will perceive you. Everything is happy and bright. When you're young you get lost in the moment and every other concern fades away. All you're left with is the present and making the most of it. Sometimes I don't want to grow up. I'm excited for independence but at the same time I want to be able to be silly and run around with mud covered feet. I want to be able to get lost in the moment. I think Herron has done a superb job of instilling those childlike traits in us for which I'm thankful. I just hope that when I finally move beyond Herron into whatever awaits me that I won't forget these values. I hope I'm not pressured back into who I use to be, that meek little shadow because I find the real world to be a much more terrifying place than I thought. But somehow I don't think that will happen. I think I've grown much more open. I guess I just hope I'm strong enough to keep going.

My mom and my sister have really gotten into "That 70's Show." They apparently rented it from the library and were watching it earlier this evening. I decided to join them for a while. One of the episodes though was about relationships and the parents were telling the kids that lying is the best policy and the mother was teaching jakie how to control men and get them to do things for her. On one hand I found it kind of amusing but then I started thinking about it and began to worry if that's really what most relationships turn into. Are they all based in lies and manipulative cynacism? I would hope not. I know it's television and can't be taken seriously but I can't help but wonder. It worries me. I would never want that. I wouldn't want any boy to be so sad and pathetic that they could be ordered around like a dog. I don't want to be with someone so that I can control them and use them for my own benefit. I would want them to behave the way they do because they chose to do so, not because of a twisted manipulated relationship. I would want a relationship based on respect and honesty. Maybe I'm naive. God, I hope not though.

Have you seen those things on facebook people have about their names and meanings behind them? It got me wondering about whether or not our names carry any meaning. It seems like any word looses it's meaning if you think about it long enough. Soon it just becomes some bizzare jumble of lines and sounds. I wonder why we decided to communicate by vocals over sign language. I think that out of all words though, names are the hardest to render meaningless. They seem to embody a whole persona. Whenever I hear a name of someone I know I always associate it with various aspects of that person's personality. So if I were to hear the name Sara I'd think of you or Steak and I'd associate it with qualities like intelligence or kindness. Also, have you ever noticed that often times names just seem to "fit" people? I wonder if there's actually something about a name that influences a person or if we're simply applying the qualities we recognize in those people to the name.

I'm sorry I've completely taken this thing over. I know you say you feel you don't have a lot of important things to say. I guess I understand that. That majority I what I write down here is pretty worthless. Nevertheless I find there's something comforting about recording these random musings of mine. I want to be able to go back and read these in the future. I was actually doing that earlier. It was interesting, and kind of embarrassing, going back and reading over my past thoughts. It's like I'm perserving me in time for my future self. However, there were also spaces of nothing where now I really wish I had written something. I don't care so much if what I have to say is garbage to everyone else. Maybe it will matter to me later on in life, and I guess if it gives me further insight into myself later on that's reason enough for me to write something down. Well, where ever you are now Sara, I hope you are well but for now it's bon soir.