Telekinesis

I can't stop listening to this band.

Telekinesis would be cool. Out of the various superhuman abilities one could have i think that would be one of the top ones. I don't know why, but there's something about moving stuff with the mind that appeals to me. Or flying would be my other preference. I remember when I was younger, whenever I went outside I would always look up and watch the birds soaring about the telephone poles, and it was strange because as I watched them I felt the most terrible ache in my heart, this overpowering want to be like them. At that moment all I wanted was to be able to grow wings and fly away. To leave the earth behind and just soar above with the birds. But I couldn't, I couldn't grow wings, I couldn't fly away. And it made me incredibly sad. My heart felt so heavy upon this realization, that I could never fly. At least not like the birds do. I am only human. Sometimes this fact makes me feel very weak. I feel vulnerable thinking about it. I've never been any good at letting people in. Always a closed book. Always so afraid. I thought that I just didn't like people, but now I think it was fear that made me want to fly away so bad. I didn't want to deal with school. I always felt so awkward and was ever so fearful that everyone else around me thought I was strange and freakish. So I hardly ever talked. The strange thing is that I can recall being like this for most of my life. I've always felt alone. Well, perhaps not all the time, I've had moments with you and other herron kids where I feel a really strong personal connection. But nevertheless, the loneliness always seeps back into me. And when it does, I feel so alone no matter who I'm with even if it is with you. I don't know why I feel this way at times. But I recall all the way back to preschool feelings of dejection and aloofness. I remember really wanting to make friends with the kids in my class but they tended to ignore me, or they simply had other companions they would rather converse with over me. I think I've definitely changed. Herron has helped me so much. I feel like it's almost saved me from myself. I sometimes think about what would have happened to me if I had stayed at pike and it really scares me. I can't help but think that it would have been a very unpleasant ending.

Now I feel content for the most part. I can live with who I am most of the time. Although I'm still very flawed. I still fuck things up, really bad, from time to time. Somedays when I'm feeling conflicted, I almost feel split. I feel like half of me is quiet and composed. Meak and hiding away from the world, but still trying to put on a smiling face while keeping the world at a distance. But then I also feel there's another layer of emotion under that. It's a mix of anger and recklessness. It's this part of me that just wants to let loose and go crazy and not give a damn about the consequences. But it can't because I'm always in control. I can't let anyone see the full extent of my emotions that I just shove away into some dark forgotten corner of my brain until something happens that really upsets me or durring one of those weeks when I just get really stressed out. I know it can't be healthy. I'm trying to change. I really am. I've realized that this past year I've opened up more to you than I have anyone else in my entire life. You're the only person who I have straight out cried my heart out in front of and completely poured out my emotions to without hesitation. That's something I've never been able to do before. I still don't think I could really do it again, or at least not often or to anyone else besides you or lydia. Sara I am incredibly thankful for you. You are my anchor. You know me better than anyone. I am grateful for everything you've done for me and I'm incredibly lucky to have you as my friend. I can't even imagine where I would be now if I hadn't ever been transfered to fishback and what I would have become if I hadn't sat next to that blonde chic on the swingsets at school and asked her about warring woodland critters. Sara, I'm telling you all of this to you because I feel like sometimes it seems as if I take you for granted or I don't really care. But I do, so much. Sara, I'm sorry I'm not the most open person but I will never take our friendship for granted. Remember that I'll always love you as a sister and all I want is for you to be happy and that you never forget about Sandi.

Thank You.