Hunger

grips my stomach.

My roommate is gone! Out of town for the night. I think, I like having a room to myself. Not that I mean to be antisocial, but I like the idea of having a place that is my own. Of solitude. But I still have to stare at her tawdry lady gaga posters. Looking around this room, I've realized that my voice/persona/whatever is hardly identifiable. Everything, most everything, is hers. The posters, the decor, her mess of clothes and band gear that sprawls across the floor. I have my sheets, my one half of the closet and a small little corner for my desk. The only items offering a glimpse into my life being the few assorted pictures and an incomplete painting. My roommate is nice, and easy enough to live with. But I still like being alone. I miss being myself. Completely.

I just want to be able to walk around in my underwear and eat peanut butter straight out of the jar without having to worry about freaking her out. I carry myself so cautiously when I am around her. She seems so normal, I am concerned I might scare her. Being watched all the time by these people, these strangers, almost makes me feel like I always have to put on a show. So cautious about my actions. But I think my quirkiness may just be making a comeback. I've started to dance about randomly whenever I feel stressed or bored or just have nothing better to do. And people seem to be taking that pretty well. It's still not quite the same though. Not like how things use to be. But hopefully we'll get there one day.

Today I went on a night walk with Sarah. It was lovely! She's a wonderful person to talk to. Full of intelligent conversation. You know how you asked me over summer if you thought other people found things beautiful like Herron kids do? Well we kind of talked about that. And then we made up stories about all the people who passed by, as we watched creepily from the woods. I'm thankful for Sarah, and I'm glad she puts up with all my tagging along. I wish you were in the same building as us.

I still miss Herron though. Sometimes I feel lonely. Or maybe not exactly lonely, but maybe nostalgic. And kind of separate. Sometimes I worry that my interest in an Art Major separates me from the other people in my dorm. I miss the creative culture of Herron. I miss talking about art, and looking at art. Thinking about art. And music. Listening to it all the time. And how I would always associate it with various memories and situations. I miss interesting conversations, about everything and anything. Life, death, beauty, art.

Funny thing though, I feel like I've been living in the present this week almost entirely. Because I have to. I have no hopes, no expectations for the future. I don't know what to expect from school, from life, at this point. Everything is still so new and different. I can only think of today, and of how to make it to the next day. How to stay on top of all my class work, and trying to find things to preoccupy myself with in my spare time. Sometimes I'll think about the past. Or I will think a lot about the past. But I still feel very conscious of the present. Because right now, the present seems to be my greatest concern.

What Now?

It's two o'clock in the morning. And I should be asleep. I know I'll probably hate myself for this in the morning. Staying up late. But my mind just keeps thinking thinking thinking. About the Past. And the Future. Everything. The interesting twists and turns of the past year.

I miss it. Senior year. I miss the people, the experiences. Even though I was so stressed. Even though I cried so much. And in front of people, my parents, so often. I hate that. Crying in front of others. It makes me feel weak.

I spent the night packing up my bags. But not collecting everything. Some things are staying behind. Reminders that I use to be a resident here. And that maybe, one day, I'll be back. But then, that day of return, seems so far away. Looking at those suitcases, that pile of junk that I will soon be hauling off with me in just over 24 hours....it doesn't seem real. So surreal, this day has been.

I miss Audrey already, and she hasn't even left.

Oh, and Callie. She's in Kenya now, but I can't believe it. I can't, its so hard to wrap my mind around.

These lavender walls, spotted with clouds. My little baby cranes. Will they miss me? Will they even be here when I come back? They must be. But will I even feel at home here anymore?

Think. Think. Think. It would be nice if I could turn my mind off right now and go to sleep. But it's so preoccupied. I never would have expected this. To have made this decision of where to go to school. To have made the friends I have. To have turned into this person that I am now. So different from my freshman self. Not even at the beginning of senior year though, would I have ever expected to have experienced some of the things I did this year.

Trepidation. What comes next? I don't want to forget the past. These people, who I care about so much. Yet, I want to move forward, in a way. I want to meet new people. Experience new things. All the same, its still kind of making me uneasy.

But I guess that's normal.

Its late. Lights out. I should be in bed.

Its not like we'll never meet again.

Feeling Nostalgic

I found that Accordions album on my computer today. And listened to it. It made me kind of sad, but it was also happy to listen to. I started thinking about that day we went to see them and Arrah play at earthhouse. I miss those days. I feel everything was so much more happy then. Even though we were so stressed that whole year. I can't help but remembering feeling unusually happy at that time.

I miss this past winter. When everything felt so daring and exciting. Being adventurous and sneaking about. When my head was filled with silly little possibilities, made up future events. I miss that feeling. Of being so alive, and hopeful.

Why do I always feel so apathetic. Or bitter. This is stupid.

I'm just rambling on as usual. To afraid to directly say who or what is on my mind. Afraid of who might discover this and read it. I just keep having this flashbacks though, and got silly and emotional. Thinking, I have to let someone know about this! I have to share this feeling! I don't know why.

I wish you were here right now. I want to talk to you. I hope you are doing alright.

I feel like crying.

Man this is weird. Now that I'm thinking about emotions, I'm getting kind of emotional. Kind of. I started thinking about college too. Excitement is the predominant emotion. Freedom! from rules, from judgement being passed from parents, from curfews, and expectations. But a bit of fear is also setting in. I'm afraid of being alone. Afraid of secluding myself to much to socializing with people I already know. But I'm also afraid to make new friends. I think about how close I am with you, and lydia, and audrey. And others. How I can speak my mind whenever I'm in your presence. I love knowing that none of us would ever judge the other. I'm so so incredibly terrified that I will never experience that again once I leave for college. Or if I do, it won't be for a very long time before others feel comfortable enough to have such openness with me. And me with them. I've been thinking about what you said about being to dependent on people. Maybe, I worry, I am too dependent, not on a specific person, but simply having someone there to talk to. That I feel such a strong need to have just someone with whom I can speak in a completely free and open manner.

Or maybe I'm just mistaking human nature for weakness.

I can't stop thinking about the past. Particularly that warm, cozy yellow kitchen.

I want to walk around with You

I love walking. Sometimes I feel like I could just keep on walking forever and I'd be perfectly content with that. There's just something so soothing about it. Walking with you is nice. I love our conversations. I hope I don't creep you out with my endless questions. But somehow, I don't think that's possible. Silence is nice too sometimes. It's a comfort not feeling obligated to say anything when there is nothing on my mind worth noting. I hope this doesn't make us boring. No, just comfortable. At ease.

I'm contemplating sneaking out. One night. Just one, this summer. I've realized my life seems so dull and uneventful. I rarely take risks or do anything much that is adventurous. Always keep to myself, calm and quiet. But I need to do something. I am capable of taking care of myself. Of course, it wouldn't be anything crazy. I think more than anything I'd just like to climb out the window and go for a walk in the middle of the night. Breath in the crisp summer night air. When it's quiet and peaceful. Just me. Or maybe I'll invite you. You're more than welcome to come. I just have to figure out an escape plan, or more I'd have to test it out. Prepare.

I want to make this summer memorable. I'm in the prime of my youth. Opportunity is abound. Isn't this the time where we're suppose to make the most of life? While we're young and mobile. Responsible, yet free from responsibility? I want to make amends for my dull habits of sitting at home and studying every Friday and Saturday night for the past year. For all the stress and confinement. I need a little excitement. I want to be happy. I want to smile and laugh. I want to feel good and wonderful all the time. While its summer summer summer, and there's sunsunsun. So much funfunfun. AHHHHHH! too much. maybe? You know that bubbly feeling you get though, where you just feel so joyous and content and you're actually living IN the moment for once. And your attention is wholly focused on the present? and you can't stop smiling because everything is just so wonderful and perfect at the exact point in time? That's what I want. I want to feel that. I want to go on adventures. Let's be spontaneous. We are rulers of the world! Fearless explorers. Just don't less this precious time slip by.

Do you feel it? This need to do something extraordinary? Memorable? I want to remember. I always forget my summers. One day always seems to fade into the next. But not this time, I hope.

I want to start taking more film photographs. Just so I can remember it all. Years down the road, I want to be able to pull out my box of photographs and pull out all the little memories and reminisce. To be able to pull back the past and bring it back to life. In a way. Just so I won't forget. The people, places, adventures, all the things I've done and seen will be right there, preserved in a pretty little picture.

In 5 Years Time

I might not know you.

Do you ever feel so caged? I'm ready for spring. For being outside all the time, breathing, breathing, breathing. only fresh air. only bird calls. only tulip buds and dirt. I'm tired of walls and no space. I want to run endlessly and then break into all of my individual atoms and just become this air. AAAA. I want spring.

Blog-O-Lists

I think I'm going to try and write my blogs in lists. My supporting reasons

1. Who doesn't like a good list?
2. I can pull off the poetry of typed out paragraphs
3. Less room to babble on and on in tangents (or so you would hope)
4. It would take less time to write. Especially in the already crammed for time life I have - which basically seems to = no life.
5. I just wanna mix it up!

Let's see how this goes.

Hello World!

I want some personal project. I need ideas. Do you have any? I will list some. This is monotone and entirely unoriginal in structure. I am a robot.

-Don't eat sweets
-Find words to describe everyone
-Write down one story someone tells me everyday
-Have an odd question per day, record answers; don't announce that this is what im planning
-Smile at a new person everyday
-Make an actual conversation when washing hands awkwardly in the bathroom next to a silent person
-Always pay full attention to people when they speak to me
-Write a poem everyday
-Make a list everyday
-Give up complaining

Looking at these, they are things I wished I did everyday, all of them.

On and International Level

Is sarcasm and international thing or is it something only Americans get?

This whole concept of others not understanding sarcasm has really shook my perspective. Knowing that not everyone understands the concept has got me worrying now about how i will be percieved by others once i'm out of high school. I thought those days were over. Man.

Anyways, my whole trail of thought leading up to this though had to do with meeting Kaitlynn's french student Alice. She seems very nice, but she's also quite reserved. I guess it's understandable though. She is in a strange country and I guess we speak English much more quickly than what she was accustomed to back at home. I'm worried that she finds me strange and bizarre. I'm scared to use humor around her. I find myself feeling uncertain about whether or not she'll understand any of my comments. I drove her and Kaitlynn to zville Wednesday where we walked around and looked at some of the shops and hit up the park. I was worried she would find our lives here boring. I asked her what she liked to do in her spare time and she told me she likes to play tennis, go to the cinema, and visit friends. I started thinking about what I do in my spare time and realized that most of it i dedicate to going to the homes of various friends where we gorge ourselves on food and chatter. Other than that though I seem to spend the majority of my time doing independent activities like painting. Because I'm too cheap to spend money doing other things. I'm perfectly content with that yet it's made me feel very uninteresting. I feel dumb for worrying so much about this. I'm hoping I'll make a good impression though by the end of Alice's three week stay. Kaitlynn and her seem to be depending on me to drive them around during her visit which is fine with me. I need to get off my lazy ass, by which I mean I should probably be more social so that by the time school starts I'll remember how to socially interact with others.

I can't believe you're halfway across the globe. I'm incredibly envious by the way, just in case this fact hasn't sunken in yet. Germany is about 6 hours ahead of our time correct? So that would make it about 6 in the morning where you are now. I think? You're probably still asleep. I hope you have a wonderful day when you wake up. What am I saying? I mean that, it just sounds so....well lame, cheesy, pick your adjective.

This mindless blabber. My mind has ceased to work. Well not entirely true. I still have probing questions about the universe. It just seems to have lessened.

Have you looked up telekinesis yet? I finally heard the whole album and i love it. I've been listening to it on repeat all week whenever I take the car out for a spin. I love music. I can't imagine what my life would be like without it. I saw this interview on the daily show the other week where John Stewart was interveiwing a guy who did some sort of study on the subject. apparently music is very much ingrained in the human existance.

Why do I ask stupid questions?

Anywhere but Here

You are so lucky Sara. Just so you know I'm incredibly envious that you get to visit Germany. Whenever my dad is a around and decides to watch tv he always watches the shows on the travel channel, especially the ones about Europe. So basically I've spent the past week or so just watching numerous programs that explore various European countries which has not done a thing to help my reminiscing over last summer's vacation. Home just sounds so dull in contrast. I'm tired of flat cornfields. I want hilly landscapes with patches of forest and twisting labyrinths of city streets. I miss everything about Estonia so much. I don't know where this sudden longing for escape has come from, but it's incredibly inviting to contemplate.

I think I sound like a real dork when I talk. Or even write for the matter. Do I always come off sounding this lame in conversation?

Today I spent my time exercising and then cleaning up some around the house. I'm sure your adventures overseas were much more exciting. I can't believe you're going to be gone for almost a month though. I'm going to miss you. Really, my life's been uneventful for the most part so far. But I guess it could be worse. Sometimes nothingness is better than catastrophe.

Nostalgia

Lately I've found myself daydreaming about various places. I keep being drawn back into memories of sugar creek in Turkey Run. Whenever I'm driving along the country roads and look out over the fields and see all the foliage I can't help but start thinking about our trip there. I start thinking about how nice it was to float down the river, surrounded by great big rock sides covered in trees. I remember looking into the water where you could see the roots twisting down into the hidden depths. I think about looking up at all those old bridges as our boat would lazily pass below. I have the greatest craving to go back. Road Trip?

I also find myself reminiscing about Europe. I really am in love with Estonia. All the winding twisted streets and old medieval buildings. So beautiful! Ah, I just get this great big ache in my heart whenever I think about it. It was the most perfect place ever. I loved being so close to everything. I could walk anywhere, visiting the old town or going to dinner in the more modern parts of the city of Tallinn. Or the park. The park was so close. I wish I lived in Europe. I could walk or take a trolley to the park every day and tour the grounds. Or sit around in the grass and paint. I want to go back. I miss it so much.

Sorry for being so negligent and not writing much on here. I've been busy in the evening looking up colleges. I really hope I pick the right one. It's kind of fun though. I'm definitely excited. But on the other hand I know I'll miss everyone so much. Yet, that distance that will exist once we all leave for college, it still hasn't registered yet. It still seems so far off. Enough college talk though, it's summer!

I miss you. We haven't done anything all week. I saw Kaitlynn Monday and we went on an adventure. Other then that though I haven't done much, except daydream about vacationing. Also, bigfoot hunting next summer? I hope you realized how incredibly serious I am.

The Drains are Drinking, All This Rain, Oh I'm Thinking, Maaaybe

I just read Perks! Well, I read it Sunday night. I liked it. But I think I liked the mood I was in as I read it more. I finally feel like its summer break. What caused this:
-Waking up in a tent, going in to the living room and watching Spongebob with a bunch of teenagers and eating a huge breakfast. I love waking up with huge, non-obnoxious groups. And sleeping surrounded by their voices. Sure, sometimes I love solitude, but in those moments its just nice to know I'm not alone.

-Spending a day with no real purpose, we drove around, we went to a gas station when we felt like it, we wandered around an unused house and sat in the empty hot tub, we paddleboated. Calm pursuits with people I really like.

-The sun being slightly sunny, me being very sleepy, and a book to read. AH SUMMAH!

On another note: about your heritage thing, I understand. I used to be really absorbed by it, then it faded. It is fascinating though, because you know those people, generations back, passed on their traits, eccentricies, experiences, pet peeves into some condensed little essence that their kids somehow got and kept passing. And here we are. Our ancestor's essences. And our best friend's ancestor's essences. And our teacher's ancestor's essences. ABSORPTION! I don't know if that made sense...

Today I was tired, and I really didn't feel like going to the soup kitchen, but I made myself go. I got there, and was immediately glad I did. I really adore the people who work there, maybe because they are so complimentive. One man is from Egypt and he always talks about my smile and how beautiful it is. One homeless man started calling me Smiley. I just really love people. I'm also glad I went because Audrey and I, with no place to go, crashed Jakob's and ended up staying at his house and talking for awhile, which I've never done before. I really admire him and it makes me happy that someone as impossibly cool as that is my friend. Why are all of you so cool? I've been thinking about it lately, and I believe we have the coolest group of friends.

And then I had the Harrison internship thing, which sounds fun, just a lot more work than I expected. This way, though, I know I'm actually doing something interesting and useful.

Eh, I have no more to say.

Roots

My sister got into this discussion with my parents the other day about who our ancestors where and where they grew up and when they arrived in America. That sort of thing. She found a listing of my granny's polish ancestors online. To be honest though, I've hardly ever given much thought to anyone older than my great grand parents in my family. I know the basics of my background, but knowing all about the numerous persons who lead up to my existence never seemed so vital to me i guess. I wonder if it's a bad thing, not really caring or bothering to. But at the same time i wonder if knowing who they were really makes a difference. I know that they're important in a way because a portion of my genetics comes from them, but beyond that i wonder if there is really much significance in knowing. After all, i am influenced by my living relatives, not those who have come and gone before my time. And what about those who've been adopted? They don't always know who they came from or what their background is, and yet they go on living anyway and are influenced by their foster parents. I don't know if this even has a point or really makes for an argument of any sort. I'm just wondering as always.

I had an incredibly strange dream the other night. Part of it involved you and I walking around in this commercial, mall-ish area in Italy. Why Italy I have no idea. I looked pretty American though. Anyway, We got separated and i was trying to find a restaurant or something of the sort where we were suppose to meet but i had no idea where i was and felt really confussed. It got stranger though because in my dream the pope had his headquarters somewhere within this shopping complex (ironic pairing of spiritual and the material) and i happened to spot the pope with a number of other church men going now the escalator. They were dressed in nice button up shirts and navy pants. except the churchmen were in white and the pope had on a blue button up collared shirt with thin pink vertical stripes. I don't know if this is significant at all. I go up to him and ask him where I could find the restaraunt. He and his cronies just laughed as he told me i was just a dumb, silly girl. I remember turning around and running up the escalator which somehow turned into the stairs from school and i then suddenly found myself in a bright sunny football field and confronted with an even more bizzare senario. I honestly found myself quite perplexed by the whole thing.

I began reading the Perks of Being a Wallflower last night. I ended up spending a little over a whole hour reading the first quarter of the book. I didn't even register the amount of time that had passed until i bookmarked my place at the begining of part two and looked up at the clock. It faintly reminds me of Flowers for Algernon in that the character's name is Charlie. Also, he seems to have a very similar mindset. Kind of innocent, sweet, naive. Just looking to be accepted. Also, the simple construction of his sentences seem to remind me of Charlie's in Flowers as well. I find it enjoyable to read though so far.

I hope you are good. I tried calling you today. I guess you were out and about. So I just finished a painting instead. Hopefully I'll see you soon.

Fresher Than Fresh!

Dear Sara,

Driving home today from Rebekah's was one of the most soothing moments of the week. Turning on to Moore Rd with the windows down, I could smell the fresh scent of summer, cut grass, flowers, and the cool night air. It was so beautiful and peaceful. The smell really made me stop and think about how wonderful and perfect the moment was. Sitting all alone, cruising down the road with a slight breeze on my face, i felt so calm and content. Curious how such simple things put us in a state of bliss. The simplest thing as a flower, or the sight of a meadow, or the sounds of crickets can make you forget about everything except that exact moment and right then all that is running through my head is it's summer and i think about how happy and how relieved that makes me feel. Lately I haven't been in much of a talkative mood. I feel like I just tend to sit around and space out. Even when I'm with you or lydia, or callie, or auds...talking just feels like a stretch. I feel worn at times. But then when I look around and see how beautiful the world is I just feel so...content, or elated. Everything just feels right.

So far I've managed to keep busy, yet I worry that things will slow down soon and I'll be stuck in a state of boredom with nothing to do. Which I'm kind of dreading because I want to enjoy summer as much as I can before we have to go back and worry about schoolwork. I don't want the summer to pass me by to quickly or without much excitement. Let's hang out as much as we can. I know I will start to miss everyone from school dearly.

I hear you are sick. Poor thing, my dear swany. I hope you get better soon. Summer break is no convienient time to catch a cold. If you ever need me to come over a make you some soup or hold your hair back while you puke into a bucket you can always call. Honesty, I wouldn't mind at all. By the way, I'm so excited to take care of you after you get your wisedom teeth pulled. We'll eat ice cream, and I'll make you smoothies, and we can watch as much tv/movies as you'd like. Or maybe if you get really loopy and tired I could read you stories as you fall asleep and maybe even act them out...

Well my dear I'm starting to feel sleepy. Time for me to go read and get some rest. I hope you feel better quite soon and hopefully hang out!

Raindrops

So here I am at the Library. We got so soaked we decided to just hang out here instead of getting gelato. I'm so ready for summer swan! I don't even care anymore about finals. I'm completely devoid of stress or concern. And I just want Lydia to cut my hair. I think that's what I want most of all at this moment. Everytime i look in the mirror i get really excited to know this whole mess of hair on my head will soon be gone. Right now it's just too much to care for and it's getting obnoxious.

I think we should add biking to rebekah's house to our summer list. I'm really getting into riding my bike around. The only problem is there are so few places I can go.

Only two days left!

Anatomy of and Artist

Here I am. Back to drawing strange pictures of human organs on old paper. Except, I've become a bit of pyro ever since i experimented with burning small slips of paper for lydia and my french project. Now I can't stop. I want to singe every scrap of paper that finds its way into my hands. It's become addicting. But still, my mind has found its way back to its fascination with anatomy. I am not really sure how I became so intrigued. Perhaps it originated from my "house" phase. I loved how the show seemed to feature the body and illness as just one huge puzzle to be solved by House. Perhaps it was the puzzle like nature that drew me in. Now I find myself wanting to know all about the body and how it works. I want to know how everything is connected. How the organs all affect one another. God I am a nerd. Can't deny it.

Hm, make that a freak nerd.

This is my life. I draw strange pictures and avoid social engagement from time to time. Why am I such a creeper? I swear. But really I'm just interested by how things work. I worry sometimes that my grandparents think I am strange. I wonder if they're sometimes curious as to where the sweet little child of my past went. Not that I'm depressed and rude now or anything. But I am strange (as I stated before). I hope they're not too wierded out. But they seem okay with me for the most part. It's just my granny seemed a bit...confused perhaps?, when she saw me sketching the heart and lungs from an old sketch from a dusty book. I feel I don't talk to my family as much as I use to anymore. I don't know why. I never thought I'd ever be that kid who just kind of pulls away from their family but despite my prior expectations I seem to have anyways. For some reason the prospect of holding up a conversation just seems exhausting to me at times. I don't understand it. Maybe it's just my psyche pushing me towards independence as I mature. Maybe, well no probably, this is just life. This is just what it feels like to grow up. I still care for them, but at the same time I also feel distanced. Perhaps we'll be closer in the future. Maybe conversation will come more easily when I'm out on my own in the world. On the other hand though I've become increasingly close to my sister which has really pleased me. I like being friends with her and having someone to band together with in situations where I'm surrounded by adults. I'm glad we have each others backs.

What exactly do you mean by not being happy? You always seem so exhuberant to me. But then again it could be I'm so mellow everything about your personality seems much more intense in comparison to myself. I don't ever think you could be completely without happiness swan. I think you'll always be a little kid inside, so playful and filled with joy. It's just that maybe you'll be required to act differently, more mature, in a number of situations. Yet, I don't think you'll ever completely loose that jubilance of yours. And even if you do it won't take you long to rediscover it, otherwise you wouldn't be the sara that i know and love.

Where Have I Been?

This is my first time on here in forever. I apologize. I read all your entries; they almost made me cry. Andrea, I appreciate you too. I love you so intensely for being a receptical and a participator in all my crazininess, for being so entirely unique, for making me think about things, for cooking with me, and for not hating me for making you try macaroni and cheese that one time. I'm sorry if I haven't been there for you as much as I should have this last month. Anytime you need me, call me, or just come by. I'll always be there for you, either with food or with a shoulder. (hopefully always a shoulder, actually, I don't want to lose them).
Lately I have been in the oddest emotional state. I have never felt this way before, and I can honestly say that I am not a fan. It's like my intense adoration of the world has faded into this lonely echo within. I want to stop it. When I look at my life right now from without, it seems so amazingly wonderful. I want to enjoy everything as it is meant to be enjoyed-explicitly and immediately. But I can't stop wondering which things in my life have contributed to this empty feeling. Because I want to be filled again, I can't stop searching for the source of the drainage. I don't know if it's an inevitability of growing up, the losing of some of your indelible faith in the world, if it's just my reaction to change, or if I've just lost myself so completely I have become just a follower. Or maybe I'm just tired and need some sleep and and alone time. I don't know. I want to to know. I need to know. Because I can't stand this feeling. I need to be happy, which sounds selfish and precocious, but honestly, if we want to be happy, why not admit it? Why not do all you can to become so? I just wish I knew what I had to do.

Where Am I?

Reading Time Magazine makes me feel so intellectual and worldly. I love it and I find it so fascinating, learning about what's going on around the world. I always feel so accomplished after getting through an issue. At the same time though it kind of scares me, knowing what's happening to the world. I was reading one of the articles about Afghanistan and how the US is trying to resolve the conflict there. Reading it, I realized that I don't think I will ever be able to fully understand what life is like for the people there. It seemed almost like some warped fantasy compared to the life I have. I can't imagine what it would be like to live every moment of my life in fear, to go home to a shack, to have to conceal my identity and be belittled just because I'm a girl. I have absolutely no idea what that would be like. I can only imagine. But I will never truly know or understand. Not unless I actually travel all the way across the earth and experience it for myself. The horror and oppression that others face is so much more dire than the silly inconveniences and heartbreaks I face here. My problems are so petty in contrast to what those other people have to deal with. And yet, as horrible and tragic as life is there, I know that an hour later I will already be back to worrying about myself. I feel selfish. Yet, i think you could say that every human being is the same. Greed and self interest is what has driven us to survive in the world. But then people sometimes take it too far and screw things up leaving us with war and mass chaos. I wonder if this war will ever have an end. Sometimes I can't help but think that we will never see the end of it. That it won't happen in our lifetime. Everything seems so tangled. It's just a huge mess of various countries making reckless choices. How do you untangle it? Is it even possible? Maybe, horrible and awful as it sounds, we should just let other countries deal with it. Let it destroy them. Maybe our actions are only making it worse. But then again, we're too involved. We've already played and hand in fucking up the world. Therefore we're responsible for fixing our mistakes. But is it even possible to fix. I can't help but wonder if the pain and this mess is all to deep to manage anymore.

People speak of waking up one day and there will no longer be any such thing as war. Sadly it's only a fantasy. Such a world could never be. Even if one war ends, another will only begin. The selfish interests of various individuals and organizations will only reignite the struggle. War is wholly ingrained in the fabric of human history. And it will continue to be that way until the sun explodes, or we're hit by a massive asteroid, or we end up blowing everyone else up. Greed and the desire for power is only human nature. I wish it weren't so, but that's the way it is. I wish we could fix it but I don't think we could fully erase such tendencies from the human race. I suppose all we can do is appreciate what we have. Give thanks for the fact that we're not stuck in the crossfire. That life isn't crumbling apart around us and falling on our heads.

I wonder if it was always like this. If life back then seemed just as bleak as it does now. Or would it be better if we never came across gunpowder and nuclear weapons. Would we be a little better off? Or would we still find just as much misery?

I'm sorry I'm such a downer and such a pessimist. It just really got me thinking. But, on a happier note, the world isn't all bad. There's sunshine. The rain has stopped for now and the temperature is warming up. We have a lovely school and wonderful friends. We have a whole future ahead of us, full of possibilities and a multitude of opportunities. We have something to live for and to look forward to everyday we wake up and for that I am incredibly thankful.

Hello Sunshine!

Running around in the park the other day made me feel like a little kid. It was so wonderful, I forgot how wondrous those early days of childhood were. I forgot what it was like to run rampant and wild and the feel of cool mud between my toes. I think I know why those years of our lives are so cherished. It is because when you're young your attitude towards life is carefree. You don't have to worry about cleanliness (although we still seem to practice this), responsibility, or how people will perceive you. Everything is happy and bright. When you're young you get lost in the moment and every other concern fades away. All you're left with is the present and making the most of it. Sometimes I don't want to grow up. I'm excited for independence but at the same time I want to be able to be silly and run around with mud covered feet. I want to be able to get lost in the moment. I think Herron has done a superb job of instilling those childlike traits in us for which I'm thankful. I just hope that when I finally move beyond Herron into whatever awaits me that I won't forget these values. I hope I'm not pressured back into who I use to be, that meek little shadow because I find the real world to be a much more terrifying place than I thought. But somehow I don't think that will happen. I think I've grown much more open. I guess I just hope I'm strong enough to keep going.

My mom and my sister have really gotten into "That 70's Show." They apparently rented it from the library and were watching it earlier this evening. I decided to join them for a while. One of the episodes though was about relationships and the parents were telling the kids that lying is the best policy and the mother was teaching jakie how to control men and get them to do things for her. On one hand I found it kind of amusing but then I started thinking about it and began to worry if that's really what most relationships turn into. Are they all based in lies and manipulative cynacism? I would hope not. I know it's television and can't be taken seriously but I can't help but wonder. It worries me. I would never want that. I wouldn't want any boy to be so sad and pathetic that they could be ordered around like a dog. I don't want to be with someone so that I can control them and use them for my own benefit. I would want them to behave the way they do because they chose to do so, not because of a twisted manipulated relationship. I would want a relationship based on respect and honesty. Maybe I'm naive. God, I hope not though.

Have you seen those things on facebook people have about their names and meanings behind them? It got me wondering about whether or not our names carry any meaning. It seems like any word looses it's meaning if you think about it long enough. Soon it just becomes some bizzare jumble of lines and sounds. I wonder why we decided to communicate by vocals over sign language. I think that out of all words though, names are the hardest to render meaningless. They seem to embody a whole persona. Whenever I hear a name of someone I know I always associate it with various aspects of that person's personality. So if I were to hear the name Sara I'd think of you or Steak and I'd associate it with qualities like intelligence or kindness. Also, have you ever noticed that often times names just seem to "fit" people? I wonder if there's actually something about a name that influences a person or if we're simply applying the qualities we recognize in those people to the name.

I'm sorry I've completely taken this thing over. I know you say you feel you don't have a lot of important things to say. I guess I understand that. That majority I what I write down here is pretty worthless. Nevertheless I find there's something comforting about recording these random musings of mine. I want to be able to go back and read these in the future. I was actually doing that earlier. It was interesting, and kind of embarrassing, going back and reading over my past thoughts. It's like I'm perserving me in time for my future self. However, there were also spaces of nothing where now I really wish I had written something. I don't care so much if what I have to say is garbage to everyone else. Maybe it will matter to me later on in life, and I guess if it gives me further insight into myself later on that's reason enough for me to write something down. Well, where ever you are now Sara, I hope you are well but for now it's bon soir.

Telekinesis

I can't stop listening to this band.

Telekinesis would be cool. Out of the various superhuman abilities one could have i think that would be one of the top ones. I don't know why, but there's something about moving stuff with the mind that appeals to me. Or flying would be my other preference. I remember when I was younger, whenever I went outside I would always look up and watch the birds soaring about the telephone poles, and it was strange because as I watched them I felt the most terrible ache in my heart, this overpowering want to be like them. At that moment all I wanted was to be able to grow wings and fly away. To leave the earth behind and just soar above with the birds. But I couldn't, I couldn't grow wings, I couldn't fly away. And it made me incredibly sad. My heart felt so heavy upon this realization, that I could never fly. At least not like the birds do. I am only human. Sometimes this fact makes me feel very weak. I feel vulnerable thinking about it. I've never been any good at letting people in. Always a closed book. Always so afraid. I thought that I just didn't like people, but now I think it was fear that made me want to fly away so bad. I didn't want to deal with school. I always felt so awkward and was ever so fearful that everyone else around me thought I was strange and freakish. So I hardly ever talked. The strange thing is that I can recall being like this for most of my life. I've always felt alone. Well, perhaps not all the time, I've had moments with you and other herron kids where I feel a really strong personal connection. But nevertheless, the loneliness always seeps back into me. And when it does, I feel so alone no matter who I'm with even if it is with you. I don't know why I feel this way at times. But I recall all the way back to preschool feelings of dejection and aloofness. I remember really wanting to make friends with the kids in my class but they tended to ignore me, or they simply had other companions they would rather converse with over me. I think I've definitely changed. Herron has helped me so much. I feel like it's almost saved me from myself. I sometimes think about what would have happened to me if I had stayed at pike and it really scares me. I can't help but think that it would have been a very unpleasant ending.

Now I feel content for the most part. I can live with who I am most of the time. Although I'm still very flawed. I still fuck things up, really bad, from time to time. Somedays when I'm feeling conflicted, I almost feel split. I feel like half of me is quiet and composed. Meak and hiding away from the world, but still trying to put on a smiling face while keeping the world at a distance. But then I also feel there's another layer of emotion under that. It's a mix of anger and recklessness. It's this part of me that just wants to let loose and go crazy and not give a damn about the consequences. But it can't because I'm always in control. I can't let anyone see the full extent of my emotions that I just shove away into some dark forgotten corner of my brain until something happens that really upsets me or durring one of those weeks when I just get really stressed out. I know it can't be healthy. I'm trying to change. I really am. I've realized that this past year I've opened up more to you than I have anyone else in my entire life. You're the only person who I have straight out cried my heart out in front of and completely poured out my emotions to without hesitation. That's something I've never been able to do before. I still don't think I could really do it again, or at least not often or to anyone else besides you or lydia. Sara I am incredibly thankful for you. You are my anchor. You know me better than anyone. I am grateful for everything you've done for me and I'm incredibly lucky to have you as my friend. I can't even imagine where I would be now if I hadn't ever been transfered to fishback and what I would have become if I hadn't sat next to that blonde chic on the swingsets at school and asked her about warring woodland critters. Sara, I'm telling you all of this to you because I feel like sometimes it seems as if I take you for granted or I don't really care. But I do, so much. Sara, I'm sorry I'm not the most open person but I will never take our friendship for granted. Remember that I'll always love you as a sister and all I want is for you to be happy and that you never forget about Sandi.

Thank You.

Pitter-Patter

So goes the rain on the window sill. I hope it storms tonight. I love the thunder and the lightning. There's something about it that comforts me. And amazes me. Sometimes I find myself just staring out the window when I should be focusing on sleep, but rather my mind in entranced by the flashes of light that illuminate the houses as if it were day for only a second before the night takes over again and all I can see are shadows and silhouettes. I like curling up under layers of blankets with a book while outside it's violent and wild. I feel so calm under the covers. Why does something so tumultuous give me so much peace? I feel I will never fully understand myself. Maybe I am not suppose to.

My mentality is back. I'm sorry sara. I didn't mean to freak out. I'm sorry for the histrionics, i'm sorry for flipping out. I hope you don't worry to much about me. You shouldn't. I just overthink things to much sometimes. I am hoping you are happy. You seem very jubilant these days. I'm glad. I don't ever want you to feel sad. But you seem far from it. I love how whenever you see james a huge smile lights up your face and your eyes seems even brighter and bluer. It's so sweet. Just promise me that you'll enjoy every moment of it. Don't be afraid to live it up. It's a wonderful thing and you should make the best of it. Don't make mistakes like me. Please please please live life to it's fullest Sara. That's all I ask. You'll make me so proud. I don't ever want you to make the same mistakes I did.

I've been bonding with my sister over the weekend. I really want us to be close. It was funny though because she brought up our past relationship which I guess wasn't so great. She told me that I use to be incredibly mean to her. I guess I was. I was such a trickster back in the day. She use to annoy me so much. I'm still sneaky, but I love her so much now. I want to be best friends with her. I want her to feel like she can talk to me about anything, school, boys, life... I want us to hang out and do stuff together. I think I want to be to my little sister what jakob's brother is to him. I want that bond with her. I want to be her friend. I want to be there for her whenever she needs me.

I feel the need to write more. There's such much I could let loose on, but perhaps now is not the time. It's getting late and I should be getting off to bed. Goodnight Sara, sleep well my dear sister.